Dear Mr. Rock
First and foremost thank you for your many inquiries. Here at British Petroleum we are accepting and considering many new and unique possible solutions to stop the devastating oil leak that is currently affecting millions of Americans in the gulf coast. Unfortunately at this time we will not be able to use any of your numerous ideas that you have been so kind enough to send in.
As correct as you are about the governmental program “Cash for Clunkers” having been successful last year, we are sorry to say that a “Paid for Patties” program would almost certainly prove to be corporate suicide. A going rate of one Dave and Buster's game token per “Patty” would almost certainly, as you so enthusiastically mentioned, attract children. This would likely cause severe illness and/or death.
We here at BP have taken full responsibility for what has occurred in the gulf region and plan on keeping to that level of honesty. Having said that we will not be placing any blame on Johnson and Johnson's Baby Oil, Oil of Olay, vegetables, or any of the numerous Latin American hair products that were constantly being referenced.
Furthermore, we take all concepts as seriously as possible seeing that this has the potential to affect our environment and natural wildlife on a global scale. That being said, I was a bit stunned when you decided to include crayon illustrations of what you eloquently titled “Worlds Most Bitchin' Slip n' Slide”.
On a side note I feel it is my personal duty to inform you that such vulgar language is not necessary. The term “Oilgasm” was used repeatedly, and while it may have taken me a few moments to put it together, I found it offensive. Also, for all future reference this incident is being referred to as “The Gulf Oil Spill”, not “Wetback Watergate”. That term is extremely racist and considered severely derogatory.
Thank you so much for your time and possible solutions to this truly tragic ongoing incident. We hope to have everything resolved as soon as possible. Not only for the benefits of restoring balance to our fragile ecosystem, but also so you will not have the opportunity to swim nude referring to your lower half as “the dip-stick”. Yes, we know that's a car part we do in fact “get it?!”
Global Public Affairs