I’m home from college for the summer and I was cleaning out my room and I found something very special: my old butts. Not cigarette butts, but literally, the shape of my toosh from high school. I don’t think I know anyone else who can say they have found this in their room. If you have, let me know, and let’s start a Facebook group.
They’re made out of Saran Wrap. Alright, before you start asking a million questions, I’ll just go ahead and answer them all for you. Why a skirt? Because Saran wrap makes great miniskirts! Plus, they come in all different colors: pink, blue, green, and of course, the classic clear. But seriously why do I have my butts fossilized in Generic Plastic Cling? Every year at the end of the cross-country season, right before the State Meet, there is an ancestral tradition to make Saran Wrap mini skirts. No idea where it came from, but sometimes you just don’t question tradition. That morning we go carbo load on bagels at someone’s house and begin the fashioning of the skirts. It’s quite a process and would take longer than you would think because you spend most of your time trying to prevent the 1/thousandth of a mm thick plastic film from making out with itself.
Someone should have told them that plastic wrap was a good idea in theory, but as for it’s intended job, it’s shit. It’s suppose to cover up things like leftover lasagna and cherry cheesecakes but instead it just ends up in a plastic mess feeling like pre-popped bubble wrap, and that’s disappointing. And even though it comes with that “convenient” metal blade in the box, I usually just end up cutting my thumb and not even tearing it in a straight line. Yeah, sure it does it’s job of being see through and keeping things fresh but so does those green bags at the grocery store they sell right next to the bananas.
To make one skirt, you usually have to have three girls. It’s a two to one ratio. There’s one method when a girl holds the roll of Saran wrap, the other prevents it from sticking, and the skinny girl wearing Spandex just turns a 180 very slowly to create her skirt. She’ll get dizzy but she can recover when she has to stand still as someone uses small pieces of masking tape to write the word, “Focus” on her butt. That’s also part of the tradition. Again, don’t ask, I don’t know.
Another method is to have the girl with spandex stand perfectly still while the others two run around her. I mean we are runners and we’re pretty used to running long distances in circles on the track so it’s really not much different, but this is cross-country season, not track, so we’re pretty out of shape.
After we’ve eaten our fill of bagels, wrapped up our skinny bottoms in multi-colored saran wrap, taped the word “Focus” on our muscular buns, we squeak, rustle, and crinkle our way outside like super-models from outer space or Euro-trash (aren’t they the same on this planet?)
You know when you look at yourself in old photos and think, “Damn, I’m hott with a tan,” well, Saran Wrap holds its shape surprisingly well so you can actually try them on and see just how fitting they really are. Well, hey baby, you look good with a tan and a Saran Wrap butt. Oh and hey, if you found your butts too, will you let me know? Seriously. Facebook group?