Activity

Age 7

Age 17

Hours of sleep the night before

1.5

15

Reaction upon seeing employees dressed as Disney characters

Delight

Pity

What if it’s Jasmine?

Still delight

Lust, quickly followed by guilt

What you’re most likely to ask the concierge

So what’s Mickey really like? You know, off the set.

So do I have to go to Miami to get drugs, or can I find some here?

Number of times you bring up subliminal sex messages in Disney films

What does “subliminal” mean?

Hundreds

Reaction after riding the Tower of Terror

Fear

Dude, I was not screaming, ok? You were probably just hearing the girl behind me.

Upon seeing a three-hour line full of screaming children, you decide to…

Scream until you’re allowed to get in line with them

Wear two condoms until you turn 40

Most commonly uttered phrase

Hurry up! The Magic Kingdom closes in five hours!

Can we please go back to the hotel? “The Hills” starts in five hours.

Most typical souvenir

Anything featuring 3 or more licensed Disney characters

Anything you can turn into a bong once you get back home

Desire to visit Epcot

Nonexistent

Nonexistent

Number of times you masturbated

Zero

Zero

C’mon, man. Be honest.

Zero

Ok, once. But only because “Aladdin” was on.