TO: Paula Harchourt, Frank Orb, “Production Department”
SUBJECT: Out sick this morning


Hey, everyone,

Just wanted to let you all know that I’m not going to make it in
today. I woke up this morning feeling pretty sick—sick of working with
you f*ckers! Suck it!

Best,
Maggie

_______________


TO: Paula Harchourt, Frank Orb, “Production Department”
SUBJECT: RE: Out sick this morning


Hi, everyone,

A few minutes ago I sent out an e-mail announcing that I’d be taking a
sick day today. I’m not sure what happened, but it appears that a
previous iteration of the message was delivered—one containing some
rather coarse language and even coarser sentiments.

I’d like to apologize for my words. I realize there’s no excusing
them, but for what it’s worth, I’m running a 102-degree fever at the
moment and have taken more than the recommended 24-hour dosage of
NyQuil.

I maintain the utmost professional and personal respect for all of you
and deeply enjoy the time we spend together. Almost as much as I enjoy
bedding your mothers.

Best,
Maggie

_______________


TO: Paula Harchourt, Frank Orb, “Production Department”
SUBJECT: RE: RE: Out sick this morning


Wow. I just don’t know how this keeps happening. One minute I’m typing
a thoughtful, coherent e-mail, and the next thing I know, a vile,
wildly inappropriate message is being disseminated among my coworkers.

I am incredibly sorry about this. I swear I will do my best make up
for my deplorable behavior by taking every future opportunity to prove
myself as a hard worker and a team player. Please don't hold this
against me.

Also, I’m not really sick, have only taken NyQuil in a recreational
capacity, and am in complete control of my mental faculties.

I am definitely doing this on purpose. Also: Biiiiiiiiitches!

Best,
Maggie

_______________


TO: Paula Harchourt, Frank Orb, “Production Department”
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: Out sick this morning


Actually, it turns out that I may be legitimately sick. WedMD confirms
that neuropsychiatric parapraxis is a diagnosable psychological
condition that can spontaneously manifest itself in otherwise mentally
stable individuals, causing them to say or write things directly at
odds with their concepts of propriety and perceptions of social norms.

I’m driving to the ER immediately after sending this. Again, I am so, so sorry.

Best,
Maggie

_______________


TO: Paula Harchourt, Frank Orb, “Production Department”
CC: “The President of the United States”, “Bon Jovi”
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: Out sick this morning

Just kidding! Fuck all of y’alls! Spring break! Wooo!

Best,
Maggie

________________


TO: Paula Harchourt, Frank Orb, “Production Department”
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Out sick this morning
ATTACHMENTS: (6)


To whom it may concern:

Now that the pseudoephedrine high has worn off somewhat, and as I’m
beginning to truly, non-sarcastically grasp the enormity of what I’ve
done this morning, I’d like to offer, of what I hope is my honest
volition, a heartfelt and sincere confession of remorse. I’ve learned
a lot today about the capricious nature of the self—about the
sometimes contradictory impulses one must somehow channel into the
single consistent personality to present to the world. I am not
typically given to making crass, hateful comments. I am a peaceable
woman—one who doesn’t even subconsciously nurse a dark, seething
contempt for her job, career, and confederates in life-wasting. In
short, I am a better person than the one who wrote those e-mails, and
I beg you to forgive me and to permit me to move past this fleeting
lapse into indiscretion.

By way of reparation, please enjoy these inconceivably offensive
pornographic attachments.

See you all tomorrow!

Best,
Maggie