Like newspapers but hate trying to figure out how to hold them? Who needs the hassle? Here's what's basically going down in the world.

  • People in Spain continue to celebrate their victory at the Fifa World Cup. More importantly, though, they boast their not being athletically Dutch Ovened like the rest of the world.
  • With the current Haitian president unable to run for a third term, Wyclef Jean plans to declare candidacy. At least we think thats what he said. It's hard to tell with all the exacerbated, inaudible vibrato.
  • During a town hall meeting, Minnesota gubernational candidate Tom Emmer was drenched in pennies by an angry protester. Seconds after the incident, Emmer told the crowd that the strange attack reminded him of his experiences playing hockey. This just in Tom Emmer doesn't know what hockey is.
  • Computers have been programmed to display a human face that can speak to people, look them in the eye, and even diagnose their illnesses. "That's extremely innovative and currently necessary!" says a group of gaunt, greasy, mexican sea turtles.
  • New contact lenses, known as circle lenses, are being sold illegally in the US to increase the appearance of eyes to unnatural, Bad-Romance-esque sizes. Unfortunately, this Gaga trend caught on before the "dress like a slut" one.  
  • Lindsay Lohan isn't doing well in prison, often having extreme tantrums of sadness, crying and screaming. Coincidentally, her actions in jail perfectly mimic the reactions of the few who saw "I Know Who Killed Me."
  • The slew of STDs and bad vocabularies that is "Jersey Shore" will reign again on MTV tomorrow. So….who's up for "Two and a Half Men"?