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Thursday 1:45 pm

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Hey buddy, it’s John. I got your message. Congratulations on the job. Goodbye money problems. I told you it would all work out. Call me when you get a chance. We have to celebrate.

Thursday 2:00 pm


Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Hello. Hello. He’s not saying anything Carl. Maybe it’s the machine Loretta. Hello Stewart. Your father and I are so proud of you. (She begins crying) Loretta give me the phone. Hey Stew it’s your father. We just got your message. We’re both very happy for you. I know it’s been tough trying to find something you wanted to do instead of it being just a job, whatever that meant, but you finally did it. We can’t wait to hear all about it at dinner.

Thursday 2:09 pm

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Hey man it’s Michael. I just got off the phone with John. What the hell man. Miami. I thought you were in Whore d’oeuvres for the long haul. I know times have been tough but we were getting better. We’ve spent the last 6 months practicing and I feel like you are a better drummer because of it. I let you sleep on my futon for free and this is the thanks I get. Don’t throw it away. Oh, and Steve wants me to tell you to lick his balls. Peace out.

Friday 9:45 am

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Hey buddy, it’s John. What a night. Thanks for reminding me why I don’t drink tequila anymore. Holy shit my head is pounding. Don’t worry about Michael getting upset. He’s just mad that he has to find a new Rock Band drummer. Anyway. Good luck with the new job in Miami. I’ll miss you. Director of skyscrapers sounds really cool even though I still don’t understand what that means. Maybe you can fill me in on the job more after you start Monday. Later.

Friday 4:33 pm

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Stewart. Pete Mondell from Glory Hole Pictures. Before Monday’s shoot I need to run something by you. It involves a horse. Nothing to worry about. Call me.

Friday 6:00 pm

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: This is Fang from Detroit. You answered my ad on craigslist. I’m calling you back to say that we actually do have a room opening. I guess you could say that the last tenant just checked out. (laughs) Call me for directions.

Saturday 7:00 pm

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Hello. Stewart. Hello. It’s your mother. I’m glad to hear that you made it to Miami. I can’t wait to hear about all of the exciting skyscrapers that you’ll be director of. Your father and I missed you at dinner. We ate at the fish house. We were thinking of you. Your father had the fish and the hush puppies. I had the flounder and a salad. We both had ice tea. After dinner I checked my email. I am still trying to understand everything. It’s hard to wrap my mind around this email thing. But I got an email from Donna. Her son William is a doctor now. You remember William don’t you. You played soccer together in the first grade. Do you remember that. It seems so long ago. I remember when you used to put your uniform on and you didn’t want to get it dirty so you tried to

Automated Female Voice: Mailbox is full.

Monday 10:30 am

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Stewart. This is Pete Mondell. We were supposed to start shooting the movie an hour ago. Where are you. I hope the horse idea didn’t scare you off.

Tuesday 7:30 am


Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Hey it’s John. That was a strange phone call I got from you last night. I wasn’t sure if you were joking or just really drunk. You said you had a bad first day at the skyscraper office and they made you suck a horse’s dick or something. I don’t know. Your speech was slurred and you were crying so it was hard to understand. Give me a call this morning and clear some of these things up.

Tuesday 7:45 am

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Hello. It’s your mother. You never called me after work on Monday. I was wondering how your day went. If being this skyscraper expert means not calling your mother back then I don’t like it.

Tuesday 7:15 pm

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: It’s Fang. I’m looking for my container of cleaning solution and was wondering if you put it somewhere. It was labeled chloroform. I’m just trying to clean up the house before the party. My friends can’t wait to meet you so get here as soon as you can.

Wednesday 3:30 am


Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Stewart. It’s me John. I just got your message. What the fuck it going on in Miami. First you called about the horse blow job and now I get a call telling me that you just woke up in a dark basement and it smells like dead animals. If you don’t call me back in 10 minutes I am driving down to your kingdom of skyscrapers office in Miami.

Wednesday 3:41 am


Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: It’s been 10 minutes and I haven’t heard from you. I am in route to Miami. I’ve called Mike and he is going to google the address to the kingdom of skyscrapers. I’m coming buddy.

Wednesday 3:57 am


Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Stewart. Mike is refusing to google the address. He’s still pissed about Whore d’oeuvres. It doesn’t matter because I am about 11 hours away from Miami and I will find your office somehow. I still have not heard from you since around 3:30 am. Call me back.

Wednesday 1:22 pm


Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Hello. It’s your mother. Where are you? Why are you not calling me back? Hello. Call us.

Wednesday 4:15 pm

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Damn man. We got cut off a second ago. I could barely hear what you were saying. You were whispering something about trying to escape while Fang is at work. It was hard to make out. Who is Fang? I’m in Miami and will find you soon. Hang in there.

Wednesday 5:30 pm

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: This is Pete Mondell. You have not shown up for work since sucking the horse’s dick and we have a contract that you are in breach of. CALL ME BACK NOW OR YOU WILL REGRET IT.

Wednesday 7:02 pm

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: It’s John again. I got your message. Why are you running through the woods in Detroit? I still haven’t found the kingdom of skyscrapers office. Is this some kind of joke? Are you even in Miami or should I be looking for you in Detroit, Florida.

Thursday 6:29 am

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: This is the Detroit Police Department. We have located your signal and are on our way. Please remain stationary if possible. We’ll have you out of the woods in the next 30 to 45 minutes.

Thursday 11:07 am


Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: It’s John. I got your message. I can’t believe that this was all some story you made up because you were embarrassed about getting fired from the skyscraper job. I never did end up finding it by the way. Call me when you get settled in at your parents house. I bought some cuban cigars to celebrate your return. Hang in there. I’m sure you’ll find an even better job.

Thursday 8:51 pm

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE STEWART. RETURN TO FINISH THIS FUCKING FILM OR ELSE.

Friday 9:37 am

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Stewart. It’s your mother. We are at the hospital. (she begins to cry) Your father should be o.k. He had a heart attack after watching the video that Donna’s son William emailed her. Why Stewart. Why would you put your mouth on a horse part. Why. Why.

Friday 9:41 am

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Hi. It’s Steve. Michael wanted me to call and tell you that he found another drummer for Whore d’oeuvres. So we won’t be needing you to come to practices or anything like that. Also, I just wanted to make sure that you knew I was kidding when I told Mike to tell you to lick my balls. Were were always joking about that but I wasn’t serious.

Friday 9:45 am

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: It’s John. Um, I can’t make it out tonight. I’m really busy with work and stuff. I’ll call you when I get a chance. I would really like to see you but like I said I’m really busy so it might be a few weeks or a month or two before I’m able to do anything. I’ll call you when I’m free to do something. You don’t have to call me back. If you do and I don’t answer it’s probably because I’m so busy.

Friday 9:48 am

Automated Female Voice: You’ve reached the voice mailbox of Stewart who is not available at this time. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Caller: Stewart. It’s Fang. Call me.