Notes: This is a post from my website… I'm trying to get the site started, noticed, and generally improve my writing and humor. Definitely rude, NSFW

The other day I saw something that pissed me off so much I damn near lopped my own dong off and raped myself. A homeless guy on the side of the road was giving away kittens. For free. As if homeless people are in any position to be charitable. I have no idea where this guy got these cats, but I do know there are about a billion things he could be doing with them instead of giving them away. I’m giving this guy an “A” for smelling like cat shit and having the resources to magically pull a box of kittens out of his rectum, and an “F” for piss poor marketing strategy.

Here’s what I would have done:

1. Eat the fuckers. To a homeless guy, a box of kittens should look more like a box of Omaha Steaks. All you need is a little bit of fire, some skewers, and Teriyaki sauce. From experience, everything tastes good with Teriyaki, even vaginas. Yes, they’re furry (kittens, not vaginas, although sometimes those are furry too), but I’m sure if you just BBQ’d the shit out of them all the fur would melt off like butter. This solves two problems: hunger, and what to do with a box of kittens when you’re bored. 

2. This one is a little more complicated, but more lucrative in the long run. First of all, go to a hardware store and rent a wood chipper.(If you don’t know what a wood chipper is, consider looking it up online, and then throwing yourself into one.) Next, set the wood chipper up on the side of the road somewhere, preferably in a high traffic area, say, a busy city intersection. Once you’re in place, get the wood chipper cranked up. You may want to jam a few logs through it just to make sure it’s cookin’. Then you’re going to want to make a sign- something simple like, “$1000 in cash per cat, or your children go to therapy for eternity”. (Do you see where this is going yet? No? Fuck yourself.) Now this is the fun part: all you have to do is hold a few of those kittens above the wood chipper, and wait for people to pay up like the scum-sucking chimps they are.

Note: You might have to sell this one if you’re dealing with a strong willed crowd. Fumble the cute bastards a little bit like you’re about to drop one. Hell, sometimes it’s good just to throw one in to show everyone you mean business. Even if you get arrested, at least it’ll be a damn good time.

Another Note: some people have complained about this strategy. For these people, head over to your local animal pound and ask them about their marketing strategy. The only difference is they don’t do it in public. Alright, that may be a little extreme, but the point is made. Fuck you. 

3. Start a cat circus. People are always impressed with animals that do tricks, no matter how lame they are. Last year I went to the aquarium and watched as a stadium full morons and their inbred children shit themselves into a coma because a dolphin could do a back flip. Who gives a crap? I can do a back flip. I can do a back flip while doing calculus and plowing your mom at the same time and you don’t hear anyone clapping for me. Considering that a dolphin is literally hundreds of pounds of pure muscle backed by thousands of years of aquatic evolution, I’d be pretty pissed off if a dolphin couldn’t do aback flip. All of you can go to Hell, and take your shitty animal tricks with you. 

Next time I see this homeless guy I’m going to pound him in the face with some knowledge.