Last week, Stephen Gardner, the litigation director of a self proclaimed watchdog group (because calling themselves 'a bunch of people who like to whine about everything and sue in the hopes of receiving undeserved monetary compensation' makes them sound like assholes) disclosed at a press conference their intention to file suit against McDonald's for including toys with Happy Meals. After several minutes of complete silence and blank stares which followed the announcement, the crowd was startled by an unexpected boom:

After a brief sigh and a barely audible murmur, "not again," Gardner heroically proceeded to ignore the audience member's spectacular headsplosion and continued to rail against the wealthy burger franchise. Gardner shattered the foundations of conventional beliefs when he revealed that for years the company has been duping an unsuspecting public with a policy to give toys to children, which is not a sign of good will but actually just another cog in the ingenious machinations of the fast food company to- dramatic pause- sell their shitty product! As the litigant/world's greatest detective finished his tirade, he emphasized the dangers of the Happy Meal toy, which "undercuts parental authority and exploits young children's developmental immaturity."

As the latest and possibly dumbest case in a long series of frivolous lawsuits brought against fast food companies, I believe this sideshow will mark the exact moment in history when our society failed the future generations. Toys have been accused of telling children to ignore schoolwork, become antisocial, and shoot up classmates, but i never thought we would get this close to the point when some tubby manchild could testify in a courtroom that 20 years and 250 pounds ago, his McDonald's Batman toy whispered to him "Keep eating, and NEVER STOP!" rendering his parents powerless against the spell of domination his plastic overlord had cast over him.


And that's what troubles me the most: parents are not only claiming that they're locked in a battle of wills for control over their kids against the embodiment of a 15 second ad-man brainstorm and 2 minutes of sweatshop work, but they're actually admitting that unless some feeble minded judge issues a cease-and-desist order they are going to throw in the towel. To me, that sounds like the death knell of humanity's future; no one can give up against something this stupid and reproduce children who will better our society.



After millions of years of weathering the ravages of time and exterminating nearly every animal that got in our way/ made the mistake of being delicious (suck it, Panda bears), we're being outwitted by the inanimate cast of Shrek Forever After. Either evolution failed us or we fucked it up big time. Humanity's only hope lies in harnessing this lawsuit as a means of cleansing the species. I just realized how my phrasing in that last sentence could be misinterpreted, so let me clarify; if we can draw out every person who believes their actions are being manipulated by poorly assembled plastic figurines, we may have finally discovered a failsafe method for identifying all the crazies and idiots who saturate our society and can take steps to thin the herd. Nevermind, it's going to sound fucked up no matter how I put it.

Despite my contempt for the fatsos who abuse the legal system to get cash settlements that will be steadily returned over a several month cheeseburger binge to commemorate their victory, I want to be clear that I am not on the side of McDonald's. The last time I ate there I'm almost certain my Big Mac would have tasted better if the unwed senior citizen working the grill had rolled my burger around the floor and spat on it. At least then I wouldn't have been able to taste his tears. Even worse, the low cost which made fast food appealing in the first place is steadily increasing. But after acknowledging that the food is unhealthy, overpriced, and tastes like garbage, I would be the biggest dipshit in the world if I continued to order from their crappy restaurants while sober. Yet this is exactly the type of shitty behavior exhibited by the litigating crybabies; not only are they coming back for more, but they can't stop screaming about how much its McDonald's fault while their mouth's are full of concentrated doses of pig lard.

I realize that the main concern of these shitheads regards advertising that focuses on children, who the parents believe are too undeveloped to ignore the bright, flashing colors on t.v. commercials, and I am in agreement with them on that one. Kids are retards; they have no filter which allows them to distinguish trash from quality and they will happily gorge themselves on the dregs of any medium available. Would we live in a world that allows the continued existence of Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, and the Disney Channel if that were not true? Fortunately nature gave us parents to counter the handicapped desires of children. Even if you believe that in modern society an advertisement can "undercut parental authority," guess what pussy, parents still hold the cash, rendering a child's tantrum into just a minor fit that can quickly be ended with the promises to play "belt meets ass." The only people who are "exploiting… developmental immaturity" are the dipshits manipulating these abortion survivors-turned-parents into filing a lawsuit. It's like for every extra chromosome they collectively have, someone has to write them a check for a million dollars.

My point is that people cannot place the primary blame for their problems on a business for trying to sell their shitty product by adding 25 cents worth of plastic to it. And no one can claim that children are able to bypass the will of their parents when kids lack all the necessary tools to do so, like money and the ability to see over the steering wheel while pressing the gas pedal to the floor; if you can't say no to your children then you deserve to raise the sweaty sloths they mutate into. I understand that it is a parent's job to worry about their kids, and that they will see danger and corrupting influences in just about anything some jackass wearing a tie on t.v. tells them to. Yet there needs to be a stop put to the mockery of our legal system and growing sense of entitlement in this country which stems from allowing ass suckers either getting their way or getting paid just by threatening to sue.

Remember in "Jack & the Beanstalk," when Jack sold the family cow for fucking magic beans instead of turning that heifer into a month's worth of burgers.  Do you recall his mother calling the local law enforcement and taking the swindler to court? That's not the way I remember it. Her awesome response was to strap on her bronze knuckles and go out to administer her own brand of justice. Street justice. But not before she loosened up by pummeling Jack mercilessly and locking him in his room to let him starve to death (I have never actually read this book, so the incredibly gritty scene I just described that you're searching for on Google right now may not exist). And that's the way it should be! Jack's mother was smart enough to realize that if morons like her son ever have the chance to reproduce, then the mouth-breathing spawn of their retarded seed would unleash a never-ending wave of stupids that will blanket our world. Their destruction and dumbing-down of everything decent in our culture will not stop until the day an idiot ties up our legal system with a lawsuit about how the lids on pickle jars gave him carpal tunnel, thereby impeding his favorite activity of attempting to find out how much of the contents of those jars he can shove up his own ass, at which point God will say "fuck it" and implode the universe. But until that day comes humanity will have to put up with millennia(s?) of frivolous lawsuits and sadly watch as the wusses and the functionally retarded have everything coated in bubble-wrap and place warning labels on cotton ball packages to remind themselves that the contents are not Marsh Mellows. Actually, I think I've already seen that last one. Oh Shit! The End is Nigh!