With the lousy stock of fathers so many of us have, it's easy to wish you're dad was cooler, or a superhero, or less racist towards the neighbors.

 

 

#5 Tony Stark

 

The Man: Megawealthy supergenius engineer playboy with tons of sports cars

 

Why It Would Rock: Your allowance is the gross domestic product of many third world countries. You were given a Formula 1 racecar for your twelfth birthday. Iron Man shows up to all your birthday parties.

“An A minus? Are you retarded or something?”

 

Why It Would Suck: You think you're disappointing your dad NOW? Just wait until you have to measure up to a guy that makes the Dos Equis Most Interesting Man in the World go “Damn!” Unless you're born with a positronic brain and a penis that talks, you aren't going to live up to the example set by your father.

 

Do you think you're going to get Dad's attention for your pinewood derby car? Tony Stark only has one human contact and that's a secretary that he treats like a third cousin he played doctor with as a child and is embarrassed to be around.

 

No wonder your father drinks.

 

 

 

#4 Superman

 

The Man: Last survivor of the planet Krypton with powers far beyond that of mortal men

 

Why It Would Rock: You've probably inherited some amazing powers from your Dad (and the inability to recognize him with glasses on from your Mom). You can fly, lift kegs with your pinky, and eavesdrop on the neighbors.

 

Why It Would Suck: Superman is a dick. (Superdickery.com) After he knocked up your Mom with super-roofie-kisses in the second movie, he took off, leaving you to spend your formative years with a male role model so femme he makes Jimmy Olsen look like Chuck Norris.

Just wait til those powers kick in, kid. Your first experience with masturbation will end abruptly when your super-jizz takes out a 747 passing overhead. Your new found interest in girls results in you giving them all breast cancer from your X-ray vision. At daycare, you super-sneeze and carry the guilt of wiping out the entire population of the gymborie for the rest of your life.

 

Plus your parents won't stop dressing you with your underwear on the outside.

 

 

 

 

#3 Spider-Man

 

The Man: Street level protector of New York City with the powers of a spider

 

Why It Would Rock: Dad's very attentive and responsible, taking care of anything you ask of him. He knows that with “Great Power Comes Great Responsibility” and looks after you to make sure you're safe, always arriving in the nick of time to save your hide from life's dangers.

Why It Would Suck: You're going to hear that Great Responsibility line about 4 times a day, 20 times on the anniversary of your great-uncle Ben's death. He's always there for you, but he's also always there for every other citizen of New York. So while he's around to save your ass, that's going to be the only time you see him, leading to you progressively leading a more and more dangerous life to get his attention.

 

You're expected to live that responsible monk's life that he leads, even if you don't have the great powers. You're going to live in a shitty studio apartment with your parents. The door jams, your single window faces a brick building and the landlord is always complaining that you're late on your rent. It's all for the greater good, he says (you've just thrown yourself out of a window to ask him if you can have a typewriter for your birthday since computers are a luxury item for you). He says that he needs to save every New Yorker from… well, living like New Yorkers. And that just doesn't leave a lot of time for him to pay bills.

 

 

#2 Wolverine

 

The Man: Gritty anti-hero with claws and healing factor and somehow animal powers, too.

 

Why It Would Rock: You inherited your healing factor from your Dad and you're next to invincible now. You never are lacking for silverware thanks to the Ginsu attitude adjusters between your knuckles. Dad's the “best there is at what he does”

 

 

Why It Would Suck: “What he does ain't so pretty.” Wolverine never has anything good going on around him. Very rarely does it even make sense. Eventually you catch up to him and ask him whatever happened to your mom, a Japanese woman named Itsu.

 

From wikipedia:

 In an elaborate ceremony to celebrate the impending birth of their child, Logan faces off against the former ninja in a test of worthiness, strength, and honor, but when a nearby avalanche distracts him and causes his claws to strike out in a reflex, he accidentally stabs one of the fighters.

After contemplating his failed test of honor, Logan returns home to find Itsu dead, shot in the heart and twice in the stomach.

 

“And that's the story of your birth son.”

“Wait… wha-?”

 

“And IIIIIIIIIiiiiiiIIIIIIII will always love yooooooooooo-oooou!”

 

#1 Punisher

 

The Man: A lone vigilante punishing criminals in response to his family being killed by gangsters.

 

Why It Would Rock: It wouldn't.

“Oh boy! This chicken salad is to die for!”

 

 

Why It Would Suck: You're the only comic book character that stays dead forever.