Thompson: I am so tired of all of looking at all of these booooring resumes. We should hire no one.
Schulz: Right? So many lame-os. It's like, hello, can we see someone who's got street smarts, good instincts, and who just really drives that point home by working seven thesaurus.com-grade synonyms for "perseverance" into his cover letter?
Perkins: Hold on a second, there's still one more applicant. Let's see
Thompson: Well, here's a definitely-not-useless liberal arts major. Hmm, it says she is a team player who is detail-oriented and has excellent written communication skills! Guys, this is exactly what we've been looking for!
Perkins: And are these coffee stains all over the paper?
Schulz: I think so! The eco-friendly choice!
Thompson: It's those kinds of things that tell me that she knows how to work efficiently on a deadline. Clearly, we didn't do a proper job of advertising when the submission deadline was—
Schulz: Our bad!
Perkins: Totes our bad.
Thompson: —and she didn't have time to print out another copy. All of those squares who sent their materials in 3 days early should do themselves a favor and get a life!
Perkins: Same goes for those business majors—what sellouts! Our upstanding girl here studies English.
Schulz: (Laughing) Wasn't I just saying how I wanted someone without any practical, real world skills? This is wonderful!
Thompson: Skills are totally irrelevant. I just want someone who's sharp. And when I see "National Honor Society 2008," I think, "We've got ourselves a sharp one."
Perkins: Absolutely. This girl was a pledge of the nation-wide foundation celebrating the ingenuity and integrity of America's brightest students!
Schulz: She had to do community service! And she wore a pin at graduation!
Thompson: There is literally nothing that would impress me more.
Perkins: Well, hold on to your hat, because I think this may top that: She is proficient in Microsoft Office.
Thompson: Are we talking Word, Excel, and Powerpoint?
Perkins: Yes! Without calling up Clippy!
Schulz: Clippy wouldn't have been able to add these tasteful clip art cartoon globes in the header, anyway. They're the mark of a true trailblazer.
Perkins: And, you know, that's not at all tacky like some stupid college advisers want you to believe. It definitely says, "Hey, I'm an adult who knows about things like globalization and stuff."
Thompson: What I really like is that she used extra wide margins to draw attention to the importance of her text.
Schulz: Right! Like the skills listed: "Fluent in English" and "Basic HTML."
Perkins: Basic HTML?! She probably knows how to link things!
Thompson: And make a mean Geocities page!
Schulz: I even get the sense that she knows how to make the poop emoticon in Gchat.
Perkins: Okay, okay. I'm going to call her personal reference, who is definitely not her roommate, Rhonda, pretending to be her evil boss from Wendy's.
Schulz: Even if it was and we somehow caught her, I'd understand.
Thompson: Me, too. I mean, listen to this: In her personal statement, she said that she's been a fan of the company for years. For years! Do you know what that means?
Perkins: Yeah, that she wouldn't get an interview with us only because we were scared of having her immense talent, skill, and experience eclipse ours.
Thompson: Or because the offer was stolen from the interwebs by that Spidey-man fellow, just like Grandma said.
Schulz: God, that woman is so wise.