You’re an adult now, and that means it’s time to start being equipped like one. For the purposes of this guide, we’ll say that adulthood begins the moment you no longer need to carry half your weight around in schoolbooks that your parents paid for. So, for most of you: the moment you dropped out of college after your parents cut you off financially when you missed Thanksgiving because it conflicted with a World of Warcraft raid. But worry not, my wayward geek friend! With this guide, I’ll teach you how to carry your shame—in manly mansack fashion!

If you’re still confused about what I mean when I say “mansack,” it’s just my shorthand way of referring to an Indiana-Jones-style-adventuring-mobile-storage-unit-for-badasses. Remember that phrase the next time someone says “Nice murse.” Also remember to pull your bull whip out of your mansack in this scenario and start crackin’. In time, this will become as automatic to you as getting aroused by your female WoW avatar. If only your homophobic parents knew this, they might finally be proud of you for something!

 

Tip 1: Color

There are only two colors that are acceptable when buying a mansack, military tan (envision your old army men figures for reference) and military gray (imagine that the green army men were actually gray). Of course, this means that if you ever come across another dude sporting the opposite color as you, you’re now obligated to kill him on sight. But you’re only allowed to use marbles. I trust you’ll find a way.

 

 

Tip 2: Shape and Size

If your mansack isn’t a horizontally aligned rectangle, then you’re going to get marbled to death by both factions, deservedly. Vertically aligned mansacks make your entire body look narrower, and that’s the most unmanly funhouse mirror of them all. It’s all about girth, baby! Unsurprisingly, the size of your mansack also matters, and the proper-sized mansack should fit exactly one crystal skull, supposing you’re not carrying around an excess amount of shame. Most of you will need a bigger bag.


 

Tip 3: Fabric

I’m far too manly to know the different names of fabrics, but the rule on this is simple: If it doesn’t look like it’s made for hauling potatoes, then it’s probably made for toting cosmetics, tampons, and bite-sized dogs. Don’t get me wrong; it’s okay to carry dogs around with you—but only for snacking purposes. Let’s face the facts, if you find yourself reading this then you’re probably the sort with Yellow Fever, so snacking on dogs in public will earn you serious Asian Babe cred! You’re welcome for the tip.


 

Tip 4: Design

You might notice in your manly purchasing adventures that 99% of mansacks feature logos and designs. This number coincides with the fact that 99% of shoppers are assholes with no Goddamn fashion sense. Logos and swirly designs are for skateboarders and stock car drivers, and no one ought to be any of these things ever. Your mansack should not feature anything on it at all. The only exception is maybe some kind of subtle zombie outbreak symbol or blood decals (but real blood spatters are best, of course).


 

Tip 5: Style

This is the place to emphasize the sack in mansack: Simplicity is the key to style! Even one divider flap inside your mansack is pushing it, but it’s the outside that really makes the most difference in maintaining the simplest style, as your mansack must not have any visible outside compartments. All compartments should be concealed by the flap, and even those ought to be simple. Anything more complicated just makes you look like you’re about to go study in the woods for an upcoming exam and you’re proud to have brought a mansack that has a compartment for both toilet paper and the credit card your parents gave you.


 

Tip 6: Price

You may be one of those brainwashed jerks who believe that you have to pay exorbitant amounts of money because that’s the only way you’re certain you’re getting the best products. If you find yourself getting a hard-on whenever the latest Apple product is announced, then I’m not even going to show you to the door; I’m going to show you to the window. I paid less than 20 dollars for my mansack, and it’s lasted me over 4 years and is like new. Y’know, ignoring the countless blood spatters of natives I slaughtered in escaping with their artifacts.


 

If you’re still on the fence about whether or not you need a mansack, or if you doubt that ownership of one is truly as manly as I suggest, then I must remind you that I am never wrong. Ever. Stay tuned next week for my next guide: How to Never Be Wrong in 1 Pompous Step!



[Read more humorous nonsense at Matt and the Bear.]