Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
July 27, 2010
Magnon? We're just about ready to finalize these plans for evolution. You wanna take a peek? It's got everything you wanted to know about how you'll be in the future.
: The intelligent design blueprints! Awesome, let's see them.
: So, first thing's first: Your skull is terrifying. It looks pregnant.
: Now, wait just a sec-
: Ever wonder if there is a teensy, tiny skull baby in there?
: I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything, but, yeah, we're going to need to fix that, along with all of that hair, too.
: Hang on, you're not saying we're going to be bald, right?
: No, no. You'll keep hair on your head and some on your face and chest and stuff. Of course, there will be luscious tufts under your arms, too.
: We're keeping the armpit hair? Why?
: The ladies! They love it!
: Won't it just be disgusting? Like a horrifying nest of sweat and heat?
: Yeah right! When you're freezing your ass off in the next Ice Age, you'll be saying, "Thank God I have these wonderfully toasty pits. And thank Gabriel, too. That dude's the
) What else is there?
: Well, touch and pain are working out nicely, and we're loving the whole sight and sound situation. Not to mention that we've all been
thrilled with goosebumps.
: Yeah! You know, the bumpy lumps that appear on your skin when you're cold?
: I know what goosebumps are. Don't you think those things are-
? I know.
: But we're going to have a lot less hair. Do you realize we're just going to be covered in bumps?
: And that's the goal?
: I I Okay. Fine. Just tell me what happened with the wings. Did you get our proposal for that?
: Oh, yeah. That. Don't you think that's a little much to ask?
: And why on earth is that?
: This is because angels have wings, isn't it?
: Nooooooo! Ha! Ha! Definitely not that. It's something, yup! But, nah, not that.
: Yes. It is. You guys want to be the only ones that can fly.
: I wouldn't say the "only ones." We have birds and bugs and maybe a really determined penguin that flings itself off a cliff
: So why not us?
: Well, you see, uh, Red Bull gives you wings. And there's some sort of non-competition clause where-
: Yep, that's it. I'm done.
Wait just a minute! I gave you guys earwax and that punching bag thing in the back of your mouth! And, hello, the appendix? No need to
for taking care of the human race or anything.
Yeah, I can't wait to tell everyone that we're not getting wings in the future, but they don't have to worry since we're being rewarded with earwax and godforsaken
: Hey now. God is
on board with the goosebumps.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.