Is staying informed just not your thing?  Then here's all you need to know in order to impress your buddies with your peerless mastery of current events:

In the News July 2010:


Oil Spill…Déjà vu?

A few days into the integrity test of the cap, and a leakage has already been spotted.  When we asked BP whether this seeping oil is a serious setback, officials assured us that it’s just passing gas.

Spy vs. Spy

The Obama Administration is scared of an upcoming newspaper exposé about its heavy spending on external intelligence contractors.  The administration clearly doesn’t want the public to know that there’s no intelligence in Washington.

An Apple a Day Keeps Steve Jobs Away

In response to the antenna issues, Steve Jobs is offering free phone cases, forcing iPhone 4 owners to come up with new excuses for not picking up the phone when their mothers call.

Bill on Education

Bill Gates has recently announced that the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation will spend $3 billion on improving America’s public schools. The foundation’s first plan of action: installing an iMac in every classroom.

Catch Me if You Can

The Barefoot Bandit, accused of numerous shoeless burglaries, is finally being brought to justice.  Though he now has quite a dirty rap sheet, his shoe still has a clean soul.

Exposed: Fowl Play by the News

TV News stations have been proclaiming that the ‘chicken-and-egg mystery has finally been cracked,’ based on a scientific study that found that a certain protein in the chicken’s ovaries serves an important role in the formation of the egg.  Apparently they forgot about the kindergartener’s study that found that the egg serves an important role in the formation of the chicken.  

We've Got the Power

How is Obama getting support for his nuclear spending increase, despite his promises of nuclear reduction?  By pronouncing ‘nuclear’ correctly.

Real Estate, Not-so-real Transaction

Mr. Brent Arthur Wilson of Montana has been convicted of stealing a house, though he insists he bought it from the landLORD, “Yahweh the creator.”  Obviously, the jury didn’t believe Wilson.  With all this atheism in the neighborhood, no wonder G-d was so quick to sell His house.

Grand Ol' Party Time!

Obama says the “GOP is obstructing progress.” He must be blaming the Republicans for his weekend getaway to Maine.

It's Just Shrinkage

The thermosphere is shrinking quickly, and NASA researchers don’t have an explanation.  Don’t sweat it, NASA; it’s not like anyone was going to understand your explanation anyway.

A Woman's World

A controversial article in the Atlantic, “The End of Men,” points out that women are now dominating the workforce and make up the majority of business managers.  While most men are being careful not to appear too critical of this gender swap, the economy certainly isn’t.

What the Hell? — I Just Dropped the H-bomb

The Obama administration recently announced a spending increase on nuclear warfare.  With all of this global warming, maybe another cold war is just what we need.

Poor Richard

Former Vice President Dick Cheney recently had an LVAD (left ventricular assist device) implanted in his heart.  With so many heart problems, it’s questionable whether he’ll ever again be able to engage in rigorous activities such as skiing or water-boarding.

Criminal Minds…in HD!

According to reports, Guantanamo Bay detainees love watching nature shows on their HDTVs.  Nature shows, I bet, like Discovery Channel’s original series Destroyed in Seconds.

BIG Surpise?

FoxNews.com ran the headline, “Woman With World’s Largest Breasts Fighting for Her Life.”  Feminists are crying ‘sexist,’ pointing out that FoxNews wouldn’t have featured the story if the woman’s breasts were just average size.


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