Christopher Robin- Christopher was routinely beaten in school for wearing short shorts, and talking to stuffed animals.  He tried to explain to his fellow classmates that he was part of a "Nair for Kids: Who where's short shorts?" commercial campaign, and initially it worked.  Eventually he was caught bragging to Winnie about how he had duped his classmates, and wore short shorts because they made him feel sexy.  This resulted in the resumption of his daily beatings.  Christopher spent much of high school feeling ostracized, and angrily excusing himself from dinner, so he could go back to "The Hundred Acre Woods", also known as his bedroom.  After High School, Christopher Robin went to college sans stuffed animals.  His mom told him "This stuffed animal fetish shit has gone far enough, make some damn friends".  She would later rue the day she took Christopher's animals away, as he didn't make any friends and was arrested for beastiality.  He is currently in prison, for organizing and operating an animal based prostitution ring.

Tigger- Many don't know the back-story on Tigger, the Taiwanese tiger.  He was called Tigger because of his tendency to emulate the cultural tendencies of the African American animals in The Hundred Acre Woods.  Tigger was addicted to Amphetamines for the majority of his life, and was one of the most prominent dealers within The Hundred Acre Woods.  Once he was paid, he would shout out his signature line "Bouncing is what Tiggers do best!" and then run away without giving his customers their drugs.  As you may imagine, this tactic made him very unpopular.  Eventually Tigger experienced Karma, as he lost his life in a botched drug deal between himself and Gopher.  After Tigger tried to steal Gophers money, Gopher burrowed into Tigger's home and killed him with a pickaxe.  Tigger was 22 years old.

Winnie The Pooh- Let’s not mince words here, Winnie had a bit of an eating problem.  Winnie was a troubled bear, growing up poor in The Hundred Acre Woods.  He was so poor in fact, that he couldn't even afford pants.  From the time Winnie was a young fictional bear, he knew that he had feelings for other bears of the same sex.  He used honey to repress his feelings, and was often sexually harassed by Christopher Robin.  Eventually, after ballooning up to 700 pounds, Winnie was taken to a rehab facility and denounced his fame, saying that Christopher Robin and the rest of the cast took advantage of his addiction and used it for entertainment purposes.  Pooh met Pattington Bear that year, who was in sex rehab after his time as a flasher landed him in jail.  The two fell in love, became vegans, and currently live in San Francisco.  Neither returned calls when asked to comment on this article.

Gopher- Serving life in prison for killing Tigger with a pickaxe.

Piglet- Poached for his meat, and was the inspiration behind Denny's failed breakfast special, the Piglet Egg and Cheese.

Rabbit- Rabbit was a staunch republican, who was old, and hated anyone that wasn't a conservative rabbit.  Rabbit had a job with the Town in The Hundred Acre Woods, and spent a lot of time trying to get Kanga deported since she was Australian.  Kanga's child, Roo, often played near Rabbit's garden, so he set traps in an attempt to "catch one of them damn illegals".  Eventually, his trap ended up maiming a bird, but he got away with it, saying that the traps were there to protect his garden.  Since he worked for the town, he was given a small fine, and continued trying to kill Kanga's kid in a more discrete manner.  After a lot of lobbying and racist bullshit, Rabbit eventually had Kanga and Roo deported (Christopher Robin's mom threw them out).  He still lives in The Hundred Acre Woods, and is currently planning to run for town mayor in 2012.

Kanga and Roo- See Rabbit.  Rumors are circulating that they live in South America, with a friend named Cristobal Robin.

Owl- Owl was Hitler to Rabbit's Goebbels.  Complete asshole.

Eeyore- Eeyore was a very depressed donkey, and no one ever knew why.  He wasn't very forthcoming, and never had a whole lot to say, until one year at The Hundred Acre Woods Christmas Party.  It was there that he had too much to drink, broke down, and admitted that he was a Chicago Cubs fan.  People have since stopped questioning why he is perpetually upset.