Contrary to what you might think, the best way to crash a stranger's orgy is to walk right through the front door, armed with all the confidence of Jay Leno at an antique car show. If someone is standing in your way, dazzle him with one of the following lines as you smoothly brush past:

"Did you see the march for civil rights outside?"

“Don’t worry about me—this boner is just for show.”

"Great googly-moogly! You haven't changed in twenty years!"

"Would you be a peach and fetch me a Sanka?"

"Just direct me to the game of ass-naked horseshoes, please."

"This is the best day after surgery ever."

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Once you make your way inside the orgy site, you're more than halfway home. The trick is to be affable and charming but also inconspicuous. There is still a chance you'll be approached and questioned by someone who doesn't recognize you. If so, you'll need to have some additional lines ready:

"I hope you know you're talking to a tetherball champion."

A classic bait-and-switch, this line gets other attendees who may inquire about your presence thinking, They have tetherball here? Or, in the case of confrontation by the host or hostess, they will simply think you are talking about some advanced sexual technique and be shamed into silence—perhaps even tears—by their unfathomable ignorance.

"I'm a friend of Big Russ. Who are you?"

Count on it: at any swingers event, there will be an attendee nicknamed "Big Russ."

"Wait a sec—I gotta wear a rubber?"

If there's one thing that quickly diverts attention, it's putting people on the defensive. The beauty of this line is that no matter what answer you receive, you can react accordingly: relieved, bored, angry, baffled, bewildered, nauseated, catatonic, or drenched in sweat.

"Donna collapsed again. Have you seen her purse?"

This is alarmist behavior, yes, but it's also very effective in a pinch.

"Get in line. I got a lotta people to fuck if I'm gonna make my numbers this quarter, and I ain't startin' with you."

This is perhaps the ultimate in false bravado, but if you embrace it, it works like a charm. Once you've mastered this attitude you will be able to tackle any stranger's orgy as if it's your own.

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In the highly unlikely event that none of these lines works for you, you should have at least a few indispensable props close at hand:

Disco whistle.

Distracting and fun during sex.

Spark wheel and flash cotton.

An old wizard's trick. A must.

A blackjack or sap.

We're not advocating violence, but come on… you're technically trespassing.

Six thousand dollars in iTunes gift cards.

Bribes.

Falsified Make-a-Wish document.

This is a cheap ploy and should be used as an absolute last resort, but if you are in dire trouble, it will certainly melt the hearts of your aggressors to know that your dying wish was to attend what's-his- name's fuck fiesta.

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Once safely at the orgy, be prepared to penetrate anyone and everyone with great haste. You may not have much time.

This is an excerpt from humorist Mike Sacks' upcoming book, Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk, by the Association for the Betterment of Sex (Scott Jacobson, Todd Levin, Jason Roeder, Mike Sacks, and Ted Travelstead), due out on August 24 and available for preorder through Amazon here. Visuals by Michael Faisca, Nick Gallo, and Bob Sikoryak.