Summer might mean no school, but it also means summer jobs. Some summer jobs might seem great on the surface, but after only a couple of days it can become painfully clear that these jobs aren’t all they made up to be.

 

Coldstone:

Expectations:

As a kid there is no cooler job than working at an ice cream shop. All the free ice cream you can eat, a nice cold sanctuary from the hot summer sun, and who doesn’t love karaoke? Plus all that singing means you’re sure to get plenty of big tips, and free reign to experiment with whatever mix ins and flavors you want, until you discover the ultimate taste/texture/temperature combo that all your friends will love you for.

 

Reality:

If you work at Coldstone you’re going to get fat. It’s as simple as that. Even if you have the will power to avoid the ice cream, no one can resist snacking on the mix ins, and when you do find the best combo known to man (Cakebatter, bananas, and macadamia nuts brought from home), eating it every day is a sure fire way to end up hating ice-cream forever. Along with an enlarged gut you’ll also get enlarged forearms, and while looking like the Hulk sounds enticing, it’s freaky when it’s only from the elbows down. The worst part though is the singing. Cute jingles are fun the first couple of times, but after the fourth or fifth jackass drops a dime in the tip jar and stares you down while you thank him for his generous gift it becomes all too clear that this job ruins even the simplest pleasures in life.

 

Pizza Delivery:

Expectations:

If you’ve ever watched porn you know how high the expectations can be for a pizza boy, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the possible perks of pizza delivery. If they give the wrong address you get to keep the pizza, and essentially the only work to be done is cruising around. Who knows, you might even be accidently cryogenically frozen, wake up in the year 3000, and get to be best friends with a robot.

 

Reality:

Aside from the harsh fact that hot babes are never going to answer the door and have nothing to pay with, delivering pizzas is a pretty thankless job. The pay is lousy considering most places won’t spring for gas money, and a lot of  people tip with one or two bucks whether they ordered a medium, or 20 larges with wings and drinks. Most people also don’t realize that thanks to all the cash pizza guys carry, they are a huge target in some more sketchy neighborhoods, but on the off chance that the seemingly impossible happens, and the pizza boy’s greatest fantasy is fulfilled just remind yourself, nobody really wants to be friends with a robot anyway.

 

Lifeguard:

Expectations:

From the outside looking in the Lifeguard is king of the pool, with glasses instead of a crown, red trunks instead of a cape, and a huge throne instead of a throne. On a hot day it seems like Lifeguard is the ultimate summer job since you essential get paid to hang out poolside, twirl a whistle on your finger, and boss people around. 

 

Reality:

Lifeguard is possibly the most boring job on the planet. You sit in a chair and stare at water all day. Water you don’t even get to swim in that much. In the middle of summer when it gets ass sweat on leather hot, and you can’t fry an egg on the side walk because you like them over easy and the pavement is so hot it only fries them hard, when all you want to do is take a dip, if you’re the lifeguard you have to wait two hours until your fifteen minute break to cool off. By far the worst part is the pressure. If you screw up at Coldstone, some guy ends up with regular instead of low fat. If you screw up while lifeguarding somebody could die. There has got to be less stressful job involving shorts, sunglasses, and a whistle. Soccer ref would good, but you’ll end up wanting to kill the kids.