In a few weeks, a new crop of college freshmen will be moving into their dorms. All these naïve kids, away from home for the first time, and they haven’t got a clue that they’re walking into goddamned Mordor. So while your school may have already had you come out to one of their fancy orientation days, all you really know about college is where the buildings are and the lies that movies/television/admissions counselors told you.

  • Here’s your dorm furnishings: Bed, mattress, desk, and the finest wooden chair the school can buy for 70 cents. The only redeeming quality of these chairs are the kicking rad farts you can rip out on them. Seriously, change into some shorts and fart on your wooden chair. It sounds like you’re shitting a chainsaw.
  • How do I know? Because I just did.
  • Guess why you got a 70 cent chair? Because someone already spent all the school’s money on a million dollar football field for your NAIA Division 3 school that went 4-6 last year.
  • If you have a roommate, you are going to hear him or her screwing. Your roomie will bone with you in the room. They will pork someone in your bed while you are asleep in it. The sooner you accept the fact that half of the fridge will be reserved for his/her popsicle blowjob fetish, the sooner you can get back to not banging anyone.
  • Guys, and by guys I mean football players, are going to shave their balls in the dorm bathroom sinks. No, really. You’re sitting there saying “that’s stupid you’re stupid” but guess what? You’re gonna peel your ass off that terrible wooden chair and walk to the bathroom and as soon as you open the door there’s gonna be a guy with his manjigglies resting on the sink basin, doing the Patrick Bateman flex/point at the mirror.  
  • Sometimes I do Buffalo Bill instead.
  • Girls, you aren’t safe. Guys may seem grosser at a distance but at least we don’t slap used maxi-pads on the wall and make them race to the bottom.
  • Cafeteria food comes in two varieties: Never Stop Shitting and Never Shit Again.
  • Shower shoes. SHOWER. SHOES.

  • If you don’t like Family Guy you better learn how to fake it because if you’re 18-22 and don’t think that 22 minutes of “YOU THINK THAT’S BAD? REMEMBER THE TIME I SOMETHING SOMETHING POP CULTURE REFERENCE” flashbacks are the funniest shit in the world people will think something is wrong with you.
  • There’s nothing wrong with you.
  • If it helps, just pretend it’s an animated sketch comedy show.
  • In prison if your pants are sagging and showing everyone 6-12 inches of underwear, it means your butt is available to anyone who wants it. In college it means you are so thug that your parents paid for your tattoos.  
  • 45% of college males have “date rape” on their Bucket List. The other 55% have “rape rape”.
  • If you’re at community college I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 problems but a single mother of three in her early 40s asking “Will this be on the test?” after every question and derailing every lecture into how hard her life is ain’t one.
  • Converting your class project group into drinking buddies sometimes works out pretty well. Doing it the other way around means you get to repeat the class.
  • If you’re looking to pick up a minor, try English. This will let people know you can read and write while your major lets them know you’re employable.
  • Feign ignorance on anything remotely resembling the ability to fix whatever is wrong with a computer. I don’t care if the person two doors down can’t find the monitor’s “ON” button. If you so much as show someone how to right-click you have become tech support for the entire residence hall.
  • Condoms condoms condoms condoms condoms condoms.
  • Hallucinogens are a sometimes food.
  • Did you know that Abraham Lincoln’s wife used to beat the shit out of him on the reg? That’s not even the 50th crazy thing I learned my first semester. Now that you’re paying thousands of dollars teachers have no reason to shelter you anymore. Also, all that shit about Area 51? True. All of it.
  • Everyone will take something resembling Philosophy 101. Once you do you get about a week to get over “OH GOD NOTHING ANY OF US DO MEANS ANYTHING!” but then you gotta let it go cause we’ve all heard it.

  • If you’re gonna become a stoner, at least be one who knows how to prioritize.
  • Save back some cash for the end of the semesters. International students are rich as hell and hate packing. Congrats on your $150 purchase of a 42” plasma TV.
  • Do not take any kind of creative writing course unless you really like reading the same 40 stories about eating disorders, fanfiction, vampires, gender confusion, daddy issues, vampires, heroin addiction, cutting, or vampires.
  • If you want to re-invent yourself, go for it. You can basically act and dress however you want but don’t go overboard. Fall 2010’s incoming class will have more than its fair share of Baby Gagas so keep in mind that sometimes less is more. I go to class in socks and sandals because I’m gangster.
  • AXE products are Ed Hardy for the blind. If you are living in the men's dorm you might want to take a dump in your room because no amount of air freshener will cover up that godawful stench that just drives girls wild.
  • College can be just as petty as high school. The National Enquirer  does more legwork into checking sources on gossip than a college student.
  • Wherever your college is, you’re going to have townies. I call the ones around here ‘hooples’, partly because it’s near a coal-mining community but also because I can’t go three f-ing hours without making a Deadwood reference.
  • The orangeness of your skin, combined with how good your duckface is, is directly proportional to how popular you believe yourself to be.

  • If the majority of your textbooks are written by the people teaching your classes, drop out and learn to be a plumber or electrician. Congrats, you're now richer than all your friends.
  • Purex 3-in-1 laundry sheets. You’re welcome.
  • Theatre chicks bone like banshees. Also, their wails herald death. The death of your sanity.
  • Tired of getting up for that 8am class? Hey, guess who else is tired of getting up and going to class or work? Every other person on the fucking planet. Suck it up.
  • After meeting with your adviser to pick out the next semester’s classes, go back into whatever website or portal your school uses to register online and switch your classes around as you see fit. This cannot backfire.

Print this article and read it to yourself every day until you leave for college. I tell you all these things not to scare you, or make you uneasy, but because eighteen-year old kids are too big of babies to ask the questions they want answered. That's okay, since the people in charge of bringing you to the school can't truthfully answer those questions without getting into trouble. Hopefully the knowledge gained in this article will help you through the best four or five (or six or seven) years of your life.

Unless you are attending Duke, in which case why don't you just go to hell.