VANCOUVER (A-News)—An early morning drug transaction ended in a gun battle at the Vancouver Port, destroying fifty kilograms of heroin. The drugs were being procured by the RCMP and destined for the Vancouver Safe Injection Clinic, a government body that supplies addicts with free heroin, cocaine, alcohol, coffee, nicotine, fine Belgian chocolate, porn, and Facebook.

The heroin was meant to be exchanged for a $100 briefcase filled with $24.9999M in confiscated marijuana, enough to cover a week’s demand at the clinic.

Gun Battle
The three RCMP officers responsible for making the deal had successfully dealt with the supplier on previous occasions; but this time, according to police, “we fucked up.”

The gun battle lasted over thirty minutes and destroyed much of the Vancouver Port, 80s-action-movie style. Stray bullets ignited fuel containers, setting the dock ablaze and forcing the dealers, RCMP officers, and Chuck Norris to jump into the freezing water to avoid being burned.

The battle continued in the water for about one minute, until hypothermia started to set in and both sides were rescued by BC Fairies. After being recovered, the dealers and officers continued to make hateful remarks to each other and a slapping incident had occurred. Nobody was seriously injured, but all were hurt emotionally.
According to a tweet tweeted by police on Twitter detailing the incident, the officers were not in their best condition:

“The officers involved were very moody that morning. Look, it was early and they just wanted some fucking donuts, but the motherfucking donut people are on strike! A Vancouver cop can’t function until his blood-donut level is that of Homer fucking Simpson.”

The police report indicates that the problems started when one of the officers, suffering from hypoglycaemia, began to experience hallucinations from the abnormally low levels of sugar in his bloodstream and tried to shoot down a pair of seagulls, which he believed were “flying croissants.” The dealers assumed that the gunshots were aimed at them and returned fire. 

Adding to the complications, A-News has learned that the dealers were inexperienced interns, given the assignment so that they could learn new skills. 

Pierre “Frogger” Dupont, CEO of the heroin supplier, Royal Canadian Heroin Co. (TSX: RCH.TO), told A-News on the condition of anonymity that “the only place you can learn the rules of this business is on the streets. Our internship program provides that and I think that this experience was very beneficial for the interns involved. Hopefully this day will add perspective to their classes at SFU.”

Drug Shortage
Dupont added that the RCMP has requested another shipment of heroin, which RCH will deliver to Vancouver in about a month. However, the Clinic keeps zero extra inventory and whatever extra inventory is left when a new shipment arrives is consumed by employees. This creates a risk that Vancouver will be virtually heroin-free until the new shipment arrives.

BC Health Minister Dr. Stephen Graham told A-News, also on the condition of anonymity, that he expects the withdrawal effects from the shortage to be difficult to bear for addicts, resulting in increased crime as addicts scour the city in search of heroin.

Graham said “they’re gonna take over the city. They’re gonna be cruisin’ around in their pimped-out shopping carts harassing people for drugs. Junkies outnumber police 230 to 1, so don’t expect this problem to go away until more heroin arrives. Add to that the donut people are still on strike. Damn, it’s gonna be one shit show. I’m glad I’m a doctor so I can get all the heroin I need whenever I want it. My wife’s a baker too, so I get all the donuts I want. All I need now is one of them pimped-out shopping carts. You think we doctors have it all, but you don’t know what it’s like out there. You don’t get any respect unless you got some sick bling on your 3-inch junk wagon. My wheels are made of stale donuts that my wife made. She thought it would be cute, but it’s just fucking embarrassing for an SFU grad to be seen pushing that around.”

—A (I wrote this a while ago but couldn't find a place to publish it. Enjoy.)