Ah, Valentine's Day. A day for lovers. A day full of flowers and chocolates and cupid and little hearts that say things like, "Be Mine" or "Forever Yours." It truly is a day of love and intimacy. . .unless, of course, you're single. In which case your day is more filled with hating people who get flowers and eating the entire heart-shaped box of chocolates that you bought for yourself. Valentine's Day can get pretty depressing when you're single. That's why I think we should get a day of our own. You guys have your Valentine's Days and your Christmases spent sipping hot cocoa by the fire while gazing into each other's eyes. And don't even get me started on Sweetest Day. What the fuck is that? Sweetest Day is just Valentine's Day, but in October. Sweetest Day is for the boyfriends and husbands who screwed up on Valentine's Day and get a second shot at making it right eight months later. Bullshit. You deserve ONE day. ONE.

If singles had our own day, we would be smart about it. It'd be in May, when it's actually warm out and the possibility of outside sex increases. Singles' Day would be the greatest day of the year. First of all, instead of handing out chocolates, you would hand out condoms flavored like chocolate. And instead of getting a dozen roses, you would get a dozen bottles of Bud Light. Our little candy hearts would say things like, "Of course I'll respect you in the morning" and "Let me just stick in there once, just once, just to see what it's like." Rather than making love on a bed of red rose petals, everyone would have a one-night stand on the floor next to a stack of back issues of Hustler. It would be beautiful and magical and special. See, I already have a Singles' Day of my own. It's called Tuesday and I celebrate it every week.