We’ve all been or will be pedestrians at some point but when we are behind the wheel the capacity of agitation we hold within expands exponentially, which as it turns out, heightens our perception of truth. In this instantaneous state of enlightenment I have found, with little dispute, that PEDESTRIANS ARE JERKS!

Hey Douche bag! Contrary to your warped belief you do not always have the right-of-way!

So next time you find yourself at a cross walk be cognizant and take note of the parade of losers that stand by to inconvenience your life.

 

1.) The Skateboarder/bike rider

This guy thinks he is God’s gift to manually powered, self perpetuated transportation. He rolls up on the scene and all of a sudden there are kick flips and wheelies everywhere. But come dude, it isn’t getting you anywhere any faster, your exerting the same amount to energy, and to be blatantly honest the whole production is just kind of pissing me off.

2.) The Guy on the Phone

I’m just going to go ahead and say it… this guy is a liar. He called that pharmacy to check on a prescription he knew full well wasn’t ready. And the status of his dwindling bank statement was obviously of urgent proportions because he dialed the very second his foot hit the open street pavement. The point being this phone call was never important! That lie pressed against your face is just a façade that you have friends and a life. It’s a failed attempt at making me think your existence is worthwhile. Well it isn’t working. That call is not legit so therefore please quite, before I feel compelled to run you over.

3.) The Gangsta(s)

By passing any initial hostilities or hang-ups I have towards this group, let us simply address what seems to be apparent: they walk pretty darn slow. I don’t know if it’s the ominous demeanor they strive to obtain or the pants they struggle to (but could easily with the help of a belt) keep intact. Maybe it is both. Frankly I don’t care just cross the street. Because you don’t scare me. (I’m secure in the safety of my vehicle that I locked in precaution as soon as I saw you). And if you were really as “hardcore”, “gangsta” or as “ballin’” as you claim… wouldn’t you have a car of your own to “stunt” in. 

4.) The Couple      

You’ll find them walking hand in hand, arms wrapped obnoxiously around one another’s waste, or starring aimlessly into each other’s eyes. These two are genuine pieces of work. This pair will have you torn between thoughts of rendering yourself unconscious by way of head to steering wheel impact or going to jail to for consecutive counts vehicular manslaughter. Guys, just riddle me this: why was that specific traffic-halting kiss so meticulous that could not have waited until you crossed the street completely. I’ll tell you why, because they are black holes they need attention to survive! Storing up enough PDA points to get them through the nights spent staining their pillows wet with tears of embarrassment because they settled.

5.) The Girl Lost in Thought

This chick is the bane of my existence. Wallowing in the murky waters of her own self indulgence, she brings all previous and post walking to a slow crawl. I don’t know what is happening in her inner monologue. I can only assume she getting distracted by shinny things and abrasive noises here and there. Maybe she’s contemplating how to change the world, or maybe she’s think about what she had for lunch. It is beyond me. But would you do us all favor and go write a mediocre poem about the underprivileged and mistreated butterflies of the Ukraine, somewhere else. I’m actually trying to get somewhere remember.

6.) The Jogger

Yes, yes… we know this one very well. He is possibly the most common and most annoying pedestrian of them all. Like the US postal service rain, sleet or snow he is going wake up at the butt crack of dawn and jog until you pry your lazy self out of bed a noon. It’s like destiny when you cross paths this intersection: the corner of Physical Perfection and Laziness Personified. You hate him because he has the drive to do what you can not, and in 1970’s Basketball length short-shorts no less. He gallivants around campus with is iPod and NewBalances like he owns the world. Well I for one have had enough. Alright sir, we get it. You’re in shape, Congratulations! Now do think you could keep the glisten of the sweat off your beautifully bronzed back out of my line of sight. I’m driving here. And your sculpted calves aren’t helping.