DILDO – a phallic object used for sexual stimulation
On Valentine's Day, the man bought a dildo for his wife because he was an utterly useless and loathsome person.

It is well documented that women have used penile surrogates throughout history, often taking the form of foreign objects such as vegetables or scimitars. However, the actual word "dildo" can only be traced back to the Middle Ages, when it had its original spelling: "dilldough." Dilldoughs were elongated loaves of bread impregnated with the oils and leaves of the dill plant, which peasant women in parts of Europe and Africa would insert into their vaginas for a variety of reasons: to house the bread while traveling to avoid taxation, to hide it from their neighbors or children, a generally ineffective deterrent to rape, Tuesday, and as a repellent to witchcraft. Dilldoughs for pleasure were not developed until the nineteenth century, because women had not yet evolved clitorises until this point.



(From The Vespasian Psalter – Naughty Bits, Eighth Century A.D.)