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Oh, wow, look at this fun light! It has every color so it won't match anything. It's got five sources of light, so at least one will always be shining in your eye. And, best of all, it's on sale at Bed, Bath, & Beyond in the middle of August so absolutely every other freshman will buy this exact light!

 

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What the fuck is a bed lift? How have you gone your whole life without requiring a lifted bed, but now that you're getting ready for college they appear prominently in every single "college must-haves" shopping list? You absolutely need to buy these! You will purchase them, bring them to college, open the box, stare at them, then put them back in the box, and shove them in the closet where you'll find a discarded box of bed lifts from last year's resident. Terrific!

 

 

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Really? A desk organizer? What are you gonna do with this? Oh, right, your mom is going to put the orientation week itinerary, the installation disc that came with your laptop, and your checkbook in the top drawer on the first day. After that, you're just going to use it as a  place to keep rolling papers and Ritalin. It's important to keep your drugs organized. Thanks, Mom!

 

 

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Oh, man, you gotta get a dry erase board. Everyone has them (in movies about college)! How else are people going to leave messages for you when you're not around? Ohhh yeah: cellphones, Facebook, email. Shit. Well, you're going to buy this anyway because it's like 6 bucks and you feel like you're supposed to and then Jake from down the hall will draw a dick on it. It's be so, so funny during orientation week when Jake is your new best friend. By May, the dick will be a permanent fixture in your life, but you will have erased Jake long ago.

 

 

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You're not going to be a fool who buys twin sized sheets instead of twin extra long. Everyone knows you need extra long! What you don't know is that your mattress is only going to be about two inches deep, and you're going to be left with so much extra fabric in your fitted sheet that it will get yanked off every time you roll over. Good thing you'll cheap out and get the 220 thread-count sheets so you won't feel that bad when you throw these out and buy better ones over Thanksgiving break!

 

 

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Add a touch of class to your dorm room gatherings. There's more to life than just beer, people! Ever heard of a martini? Yeah, you're gonna serve martinis in your dorm room. Except you don't have any vermouth or gin, and you've only got like one swig of Majorska left. Still, you'll look pretty classy drinking beer out of that cocktail shaker.

 

 

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There is nothing more valuable than a good alarm clock. You have no idea how important this item will be in maintaining your schedule and making everyone in the surrounding dorm rooms hate your guts. Whatever you do, don't forget to only hit snooze instead of turning the alarm off when you go to take a shower at 8am or go to get a snack after a power nap at 1am. When you return to your room to find a mob of exhausted and belligerent neighbors, you'll know you've gotten your money's worth!