Chief: Gentleman, the Hamburger Hacker is back and has struck again.

Captain: How?! I thought he fled the city years ago.

Sergeant: I chased him out of these here streets myself!

Deputy: Sorry guys, but who is this?

Captain: Jesus, kid – the Hamburger Hacker! He dressed up like that glove from Hamburger Helper and then proceeds to chop people up with an ax.

Deputy: Oh god, that’s terrible…

Lieutenant: Alright, we know the drill. Let’s all draw from the evidence bin.

Deputy: Evidence bin? I’m sorry but I am confused again.

Chief: Where do they even train these new recruits? Everyone grabs three. Now no peaking this time O’Malley…

Sergeant: You know me too well!

Deputy: Grab three of what? Shouldn’t we go to the scene of the crime?

Captain: We don’t even know where that is!

Chief: Looks like you guys have another hot-shot wiz-kid looking to play by his own rules… We follow the book here, son!

Deputy: What rules? What book? I have to say, I’m very confused.

Sergeant: Next thing we know, he’s going to think we don’t need the dice anymore.

Deputy: Dice?

Chief: LOOK HERE KID… These men have been on the force for over twenty years together! They’re damn good cops and I’m not going to sit here as some punk says otherwise.

Radio buzzes in: “The Hacker struck again – the orphanage is in shambles! Please help!”

Captain: We need to hurry! Quick, kid, you’re the youngest – you need to roll first!

Deputy: Roll the dice? Why can’t we just go to the orphanage? Come on, let’s get in the cars.

Sergeant: Lives are on the line right now! DON’T TELL ME HOW TO BE A COP!

Chief picks up the Deputy and holds him against the wall

Chief: Blood is on all of our hands! Now you pick up those dice before I do something we are all going to regret…

Deputy: OH GOD LOOK OUTSIDE! Come on guys, he’s literally is right outside! Jesus, he has more orphans!

Captain: I don’t care, Chief – I’m taking my turn! Give me the dice!


Deputy: He’s getting away in one of the squad cars! With more orphans! WHERE DO THESE ORPHANS KEEP COMING FROM?!

Sergeant: I never thought I’d see this day…

The Chief collapses in his chair

Chief: Boys, I think my time has come…

Deputy: Fine! Fine! The Hamburger Hacker, with his axe, at the orphanage!

The station falls entirely silent – everyone looks to the Chief

Chief: Well, another fine case closed. Pub?

Sergeant/Captain: HUZZAH!