(Theme Song)

In West Philadelphia, born and raised, Willie shoots a cop and does hard time.  He’s out on parole for good behavior and after an agreement with his lawyer and the D.A., he is put under a court order to move in with his uncle, Judge Phillip Banks of Bel Air…

(Scene opens with Uncle Phil, Aunt Viv, Ashley and Geoffry in the living room)

Phil: Viv, do you know where Willie is? 

Viv: Well, he took the Bentley out for a date about (checks watch) 3 weeks ago. 

Phil: Vivian!  How are we supposed to get Ashley to violin practice??

Ashley: But Daddy, I don’t need to go to violin practice…

Phil: And why not young lady?

Ashley: Willie took my violin with him.  I think he’s going to play it for his date. 

(In walks Willie, violin in hand)

Willie: What’s good Phil, Viv, Smashley.  Fuck yourself, G. 

Geoffry: Thank you, sir. 

Phil: Willie, where the hell have you been?  You’ve been gone for 3 weeks!  And what were you doing with Ashley’s $10,000 violin??

Willie: Aight you Punk BITCH.  Hows about you shut the fuck up?  I’m tired of all yo’ BULLSHIT.  I’m runnin this house now. And what I need your fatass to do is call up one of your lawyer friends to get DJ Jazzy Jeff out of the pen. 

Phil: Jail!?

Willie: I didn’t say your bitchass could talk.  Here you go Ashley. (Hands her violin back)

Ashley: Why did you drill a hole here? And here?  And why is there ash all over it?

Willie: Maybe you should quit askin’ so many questions before I take back this present I made for you. 

Ashley: Oh what is it!  What is it Willie!

(Willie hands Ashley 2 poorly constructed earrings made of bent paper clips and stones that resemble pearls, but the texture isn’t quite the same…)

Ashley: Oh wow!  Willie thank you, thank you, thank you!  What are they?? Pearls?  Diamonds?? 

Willie: What the fuck did I say about askin’ questions?  Now, I need you to hold on to those for me until a man comes to the house asking for Peter.  He’ll ask for Peter because there is no Peter, and when he slips you a 20 you palm him these earrings.  Now run along.  I gotta talk business with your pops.

(Exit Ashley, wearing her new crack-earrings, leaving her Violin)

Willie: Aight, listen up Phil.  We’re gonna be doin things a little bit different from now on.  (Willie takes a seat on the living room couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table.  Scratches his right ankle with his other foot, and out slips a pistol onto the table) When I say shut the fuck up, you shut the fuck up and listen.  When I say jump, you say 'Out which window.'  If I say take this bag of weed over to my man Slice’s house, you say…

Phil: …where can I find him.

Willie: Good.  Now that we have an understanding, how about you get a steppin' over to the 7-11 and grab me seventy five 40's of Olde English 800, some lotto tickets, and a carton of Newports.  We throwin' a party here tonight!

(Exit Phil, horrified.  Enter Carlton through the front door. He is sheepishly avoiding being noticed with his new black eye, and also walking very irregularly, with an ailment that can only be described as an "uncomfortable limp" due to a “hemorrhoid issue”)

Viv: Oh my goodness!  Carlton what happened!?

Carlton: I don’t want to talk about it…

Viv: But sweetie…!

Carlton: I SAID I DON’T WANNA FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT!

Willie: Yo Carlton!  It’s not unusual to be loved by anyone!  Especially if it’s right after "anyone" gets out of prison. Ha-Ha!

(Exit Carlton after bursting into tears, followed closely by Vivian)

Willie: (to self) Ahhhhh… Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my thrown, The Crack King of Bel Air.  (To Geoffry) Yo, G, you wanna hit this rock wit me?

Geoffry: Absolutely, sir.

(Willie picks up the Violin, puts it close to his chin as if to start playing, and then uses the drilled holes to place the crack rock and starts smoking) 

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SEASON FINALE (SPOILER ALERT!)

Ashley: Daddy! Daddy!  Willie's been shot!!

Phil & Carlton: About God Damn time…