I have a fetish for girls with mustaches–at least according to OKCupid. Armpit hair, smug vegetarianism, and superiority complexes are also fetishes that I never knew I had, but that’s just the beginning of it! The following are all the traits that comprise every hipster girl, category by category, with plenty of mustache pics as proof of my hipster girl curse.

My Self-Summary:

  • “I’m wary of this whole ‘online dating’ thing.” Nice, establish yourself immediately as someone who’s too cool to be here.
  • “My friends forced me to join.” They held your Trader Joe’s shopping bag hostage until you gave in, right?
  • “I don’t take myself seriously.” Really? Your ridiculous 80s-inspired fashion sense didn’t tip me off.

What I’m Doing With My Life:

  • “I’ll let you know when I’ve figured it out myself.” “My parents support my lifestyle of pot-smoking and Pabst binging at mustache parties.”
  • “Living it.” Ironically, because a life filled with this much vice and lack of direction usually precedes suicide.
  • “Painting/Writing/Photography/Sculpting/Designing/Etc.” Nothing silences a hipster quicker than this question: “Oh, cool, what are you working on?”

I’m Really Good At:

  • [A list of irreverent/bullshit quirks that would give Wes Anderson an erection. Examples often include "Having debates with my plants." "Making funny faces at children." "Balancing on the Subway without holding the rails." "Growing a mustache." "Filling out dating profile categories." Etc.]

The First Things People Usually Notice About Me:

  • “I’m not narcissistic enough to know the answer to this.” Your faux-humbleness here is fooling no one.
  • “I always speak my mind.” “Wow, this girl sure is a bitch.”
  • “My [incredibly obscure musical reference] tattoo.” But really, it’s your 1940′s grandma glasses.

My Favorite Movies, Books, Music, Food:

  • [WALL OF TEXT, 40% of the profile's content, music listed first, every Radiohead sound-alike band in existence]
  • “Amélie.” Barbie is to girly girls as Amélie is to hipster girls. There’s nothing like aspiring to be emotionally stunted.
  • “Meat eaters need not apply.” Don’t worry.

The Six Things I Could Never Do Without:

  • [5 or 7 things, most of them Apple products]
  • “Air/water/food.” Oh, I get it! It only took seeing this in 300 profiles to finally understand how clever you all are.
  • “Sarcasm.” Ah, sarcasm: the thinly veiled means of letting all your friends know how superior you are to them.

On a Typical Friday Night I Am:

  • “My Friday nights aren’t typical.” So… another night watching Amélie with the cats, then?
  • “Drinking away my youth.” A cry for help? Nah, probably just another indie song reference.
  • “Not on here, that’s for sure.” Again, let’s just make it clear to everyone how above online dating you are.

The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit:

  • “Then it wouldn’t be private, would it?” Oh, you rebel!
  • “I’m on a dating site.” When you go grocery shopping, do you go through the double doors and announce “I’m in a grocery store”?
  • “I’m not falling for that.” Falling for what? This is an opportunity to let your unique sensibility shine through, to let others know what kind of person you really–oh. I see. You’re really a self-important, unimaginative bitch. Well played.

You should message me if:

  • “u DoNt tyPe LIek dIs and know the difference between “its” and it’s’.” “The only thing that keeps me remotely happy is the belief that I’m superior to everyone.”
  • “You can appreciate me for my sexy brain.” See above.
  • “You’re not the type of person who online dates.” See above.