Back and Better Than Ezra

"I come bearing .gifs." -The Internet
-Streeter Seidell
Drinking tap water is much better for the environment than bottled water. So I dump garbage on the ground whenever I turn a faucet on to keep the balance.
-Patrick Cassels
Word Problem
If the Millenium Falcon is traveling at lightspeed and the Starship Enterprise is traveling at warp speed in the complete opposite direction, how long before I finally find out what a boob feels like?
-Brian Murphy
I bet the phrase 'grammar Nazi' started when someone was looking for spelling errors in the "Diary Of Anne Frank"
-Conor McKeon
Body Fact
Every time you take a ghost sh*t – where there's no sh*t on your toilet paper – that means there's someone in Australia looking down at their toilet paper, and they have TWICE as much sh*t as they thought.
-Dan Gurewitch
My friend's cat got feline AIDS, which is tough because now I have to explain to her how I got feline AIDS.
-Jeff Rubin
My biggest fear in life is a tie between a celebrity trying to tweet at me but incorrectly spelling my username and spiders.
-Amir Blumenfeld
I hate racial slurs. If you're gonna say it, at least commit to the correct enunciation.
-Jake Hurwitz