Hello netizens of CollegeHumor; I am here to tell you all of the one thing we all want (and probably have gotten) but has been too many times taken from us when we were in a time of need. Those who achieve them are given a very special place in many-a-heart but it is a risky business to go for "first"; yes it is, too many times I have seen the second comment claiming to be first followed by "fail" or "^first fail" I would never wish such a fate upon any interweb commenter as it only brings destruction and rape to those close to them. As a final word before I begin this article. I must warn you. I have first…(I think, nay, hope).

    The "first" can come in many variations shown in the title of this fine article but none more so common than the simple "first". But more often than not people waste their chance at fame by posting things like "Great comment Caldwell (and Murph)!" or "yay! this picture is not funny" as the premièring comment, this among other things breaks my heart. The first "first" comment ever posted on CollegeHumor was in fact not the word first and nor was it posted the same day (or even the same year) that the object in question was posted. The comment was as follows: 

"kids do the darndest things!"

And was posted by CollegeHumor staff member Amir Cohen (not to be Confused with Amir Blumenfeld"