The suburban development off Rte. 35, mile 12.1
This particular neighborhood is comprised of three roads, each of which should be named in such a way as to attract upper-middle class families to take up residence. After several minutes of intense debate, we settled upon “Sunnybrook Avenue” as the title of the main artery connecting the development to Route 35; the word “sunny” evoking warmth and security, and the word “brook” conjuring memories of serene spring mornings spent with Poppy fishing along the soft, grassy banks of the quiet stream behind his house. Though nary a fish was ever caught, Ruth said that she cherished her mornings fishing with Poppy. Sunnybrook Avenue was Ruth’s idea.
The street to the south of Sunnybrook Avenue should be named “Wildflower Lane.” The board arrived at this name after numerous focus groups confirmed that everyone loves wildflowers. Seriously. One hundred percent of the participants in the focus groups described their feelings toward wildflowers as “moderately keen.” The spate of dandelions on the grounds of the nearby water treatment plant should only amplify the enthusiasm of the future residents.
“William Henry Harrison Memorial Terrace” was the unanimous choice among board members for the third and final road in the development, branching off of Sunnybrook Avenue to the northeast. We felt that the ninth president of our grand nation deserved to be honored in some capacity by our humble town, and this was the most cost-effective way of doing so. William Henry Harrison Memorial Terrace was also Ruth’s idea. She alleges to be a distant relative of Harrison, despite being born to first generation Laotian immigrants. It wasn’t worth the fight.
The Main Street connecting Fulton Avenue and Montgomery Avenue
It has come to our attention that our town has two Main Streets. Needless to say, this is rather redundant, unnecessary and bewildering. The board has chosen to retain the “Main Street” moniker for the original, beloved street in the middle of town (you know, the one with all the local businesses?), while renaming the pathetic impostor on the other side of town, which only stretches for 3 blocks anyway. After an arduous, three-month study, it was determined that the charlatan Main Street ranked 42nd in traffic density in the county. As a result, we propose that it be renamed “42nd Street.” Ruth’s adorably ambitious suggestion, “Maine Street,” was soundly rejected.
The road connecting Tompkins Street to the parking garage of the Museum of Renaissance Art
The board strongly recommends the title “Raphael Drive” on the basis of the Renaissance man’s much-celebrated legacy. Raffaello Sanzio da Urbino was a tour de force in the – OK, in reality the board just happens to enjoy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to the point of obsession, and the recently opened Renaissance museum gave it the perfect setting to properly honor the most underrated turtle of the series. “Cowabunga Lane” was, unfortunately, too obtuse of a reference to Renaissance art to ever be approved. As an aside, we discovered during the discussion that Ruth doesn’t like pizza. She is rapidly becoming a pariah.
The road on the west side of the city limits currently known as Clinton Street
The board proposes that Clinton Street be renamed “Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Boulevard,” after hearing an impassioned campaign from six community members with nothing better to worry about. Ruth personally organized the campaign. These citizens felt that Clinton Street was the best candidate to properly honor Dr. King, despite its prickly reputation for carjackings, muggings, prostitution and brazen jaywalkers. The board must note that, if it was to deny this request, each board member would appear insensitive to the entire civil rights movement, as well as insensitive to Ruth’s trivial, manufactured social causes. As such, we deem the renaming of Clinton Street necessary and prudent.
The thoroughfare connecting Tompkins Street and Rte. 35 (under construction)
There were several strong contenders for this four-lane highway “Beachside Parkway” was a tantalizingly ironic option given the hilly, tree-dotted terrain; unfortunately, the board didn’t have enough confidence in the humor of its witless constituents. Thus, we recommend “Hilltop Expressway.” We wish this town was more fun.
The road connecting Ferguson Avenue to the new county courthouse
“Court Street.” Although, in defense of our creativity, it was decided on a coin flip between that and “Court Court.” Ruth called heads, not that that’s of any particular importance.