Pseudo-Intellectualism 101: Facebook and the Modern Douche:
A Step-by-Step Guide to Looking Smart for Those Who are too Cool to Actually Be
Step 1: Looking the Part
Your profile picture tells everyone who you are. Are you the modern man, sporting Gucci specs and a vest with a band tee? Maybe you’re the party gal who’s just drunk and slutty enough to have her tongue out, looking into the camera with glazed eyes, one hand on a glass the other on a gland. Or maybe you’re the nerdy Asian with low self-esteem and you just know everyone will want to talk to you if you upload a pic of your Final Fantasy crush or your “totally-makes-girls-wanna-bang-you” MapleStory avatar. Whoever you may be, you need to throw that persona out the window if you want to be the internet Bill Nye. Try a simple pic of you with your homework in front of the computer or rebelliously, yet sexily and intellectually reading a book for free at Borders with nobody daring to stop you.
If you’re too poor to get a car or computer and have already mastered the friendless arts of the real-world douchebag then you can get away with a simple picture of you perusing an item from your own personal collection in a public space, maybe a Starbucks or a park, somewhere just open enough for people to notice that you own a book and be impressed.
Once you’ve gotten through wardrobe, head on down to pick up your script with Step 2.
Step 2: Learning the Lexicon
Before you even think about posting any status, comment or note, head on down to the Bookmarks Bar and bring your friend Thesaurus.com along for the ride. Science has proven that bitches love big words (see the “Frasier Effect”) thus it is your internet duty to please the world’s better half and display that massive vocabulary that you wish you had, to be that cool movie character that you wish you were (Oh, Nick Twisp. Like John Muir, I’d enter the wilderness with nothing more than you).
Your parents spent three grand on SAT prep classes that you slept through, so it’s time to show what you should’ve learned. Why type “Nah, Psych 101 looked kinda boring” when you could pull girls from across the web with “My intellectual curiositousness was under-piqued by the abecedarian idiosyncrasies possessed by that periodic institution of psychological learnedness. Esquire.” As an added bonus, all your unintelligent friends will be so impressed, and threatened, by your sheer smartness that they “lol, what a dumbass” and “wtf is with this stupid douche” in jealous attempts to make you talk to them more and go get lingonberry pancakes after a hardcore night of partying. But we’ll talk about how to deal with these guys in Step 5.
Step 3: The Minutia of Meta-Smarts – A Brief Overview of Obscure Academic References
As Chris Hansen could tell you, it’s the little things that matter. So when showing the world how intelligent your mom told you that you were on the inside, you have to keep in mind the small, yet essential techniques. Specifically, saying things that subliminally tell people that you know more than they do. This can take many forms, from typing your statuses in computer code to offhandedly referencing a name you heard on the news (ie “ROFLCOPTER! I don’t know what Charlie Melancon is thinking!”). Whatever your specialty may be, use it. If you don’t have one, make one up or find someone who does have one and use theirs.
As long as it’s esoteric and hard-to-understand, everybody will be enthralled by your posts, and women will want to fellate you. If possible, have a friend who understands what you’re talking about, or maybe not, comment on and like the post, maybe even making an additional reference to further complicate, and further sexify it.
Okay, looking good so far. Congratulations, you’re over halfway to being Albert Interstein.
Step 4: “Liking” – The Technique Formerly Known as “Fandom”
Thanks to the marvels of the modern internet, showing people you enjoy life’s daily pleasures is as easy as apple pie. Facebook has taken advantage of this in the form of “liking” and has even allowed outside sites to construct “liking hubs” where any friend’s news feed can be filled with what you enjoy at the click of a button! You need to handle liking like a beautiful woman: start out smooth and sensual, rubbing her body with pieces of fruit. Then break out the handcuffs and riding crops to take this baby home. Start out small, let people know you’re human just like them. They’ll be enthralled to log on and see that you like “Breathing” or “Having human DNA” or “Being born in the 20 or 21 centuries.” Once you’ve established that baseline connection, let people know who you are. Friends of mine are always subtly hinting at my own amazing personality when I take time out of their day to tell them that I like “being awesome”, “your mom” or “it up the butt”. Now that you’ve got them hooked, take the final steps by going to the aforementioned liking hubs (hope you were taking notes) and click on as many of them as possible.
This includes “kid at a party -his phone rings- SHUT UP! ITS MY MOM!
-random kid in background- DUDE, PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!” or letting everyone know how quickwitted you are by presenting ‘"Hi, May I help you?" "No, I just waited in line for 15 minutes to say Hi"’. But uh-oh! Maybe the day's pickings are short! Well, never fear. Just create your own based on what you’re doing at the time or any particular thought that crosses your mind. Relevancy or interest are inherent, cause, c’mon, it’s you! Whatever you choose, make sure it’s rapid and in abundance. That way, you can satiate the growing appetites of your newfound disciples.
Step 5: Defense is the Best Offense.
Okay, so now you look the part, you’ve got the walk and the talk. But what happens when some other would-be web genius decides to call you out? Do you:
A) Call your mom to call his mom and make him stop being mean?
B) Get your buddies from Cobra Kai and strike him hard, fast and with a vengeance? Or,
C) Counter his smartassedness with your badassedness?
The answer, of course, is all of the above. Start off by suggesting that he “just doesn’t understand” your humor, or that what you’re saying is “too Monty Python and not enough MADtv” for him. If he keeps pressing on, repeat step one as needed while mainting the image of aloofness. Try the standby “LOL, calm down man! It’s just the interwebz” or “Okay, big man. You win. Lmfao.” This will subtly irritate and yet simultaneously engage and arouse the interest of your online threat. But if you’ve proven that he just doesn’t get it, and he insists on throwing things like “grammar” and “facts” and “real friends” at you, you can always go one step above him. His mom. Don’t know his mom? Try his dad. Don’t know anybody he knows? Tell him God knows that you’re right and so nyah. If all else fails, resort to beating the shit out of him. Sure, violence, in the words of the mysterious Ed, is “the calling card of a weak intellect”, but once you break his jaw and his fingers, he won’t be able to tell anybody it was you.
Once you memorize, master and matriculate these steps, you too can seem smart, cool and totez legit on the interwebz of Facebook like so many others before you.