I've compiled The 5 Starters I'd draft If I had to put together an all-douche pitching rotation. Here they are.
5- Scott Olsen
Scott Olsen is a giant dick, and not even a great pitcher. His ability to be a tremendous ass earned him a spot on this list. Scott has spent most of his career getting beaten up and yelled at by his own teammates and coaches (Randy Messenger, Sergio Mitre, Joe Girardi, and Miguel Cabrera). Olsen lives life as if you just hit reset on his Super Nintendo right before he beat Donkey Kong. He's consistently annoying, and people always want to smash his face into a fine powder- like substance. For me though, the most entertaining Scott Olsen incident came when he fled police that were trying to pull him over, only to wait for them on his porch and wind up get tasered after trying to fight them.
Josh Beckett makes the list because I don't care how much of a philanthropist he is, he is a head hunting piece of garbage. Also, if you look at Josh Beckett, he gives off the vibe like he'd be the kid in school that listens to really bad Nu-Metal and perpetually smells like absolute shit.
3- Carlos Zambrano
Carlos Zambrano is the guy who decided that when he sucks, it's everyone elses fault. Sometimes it's the umpires, sometimes it's a water cooler, sometimes it's Michael Barrett, and Most recently it was Derek Lee. Lee, who was playing in, to protect against a Juan Pierre bunt, missed a ball hit down the line. There aren't even fictional characters that would have had the hand eye coordination to snag Pierre's shot, but Carlos Zambrano, the picture of healthy living and fitness (he's a fat fuck), decided that Lee needed to show some more effort. The way this guy acts, combined with his recent inability to pitch effectively ever, I'd say it's only a matter of time before this lunatic is selling Churros at a Six Flags.
2- Randy Johnson
Randy Johnson is what happens when Sandra Bernhardt fucks a Giraffe. With that being said, there is no doubt that he's a hall of fame pitcher, and there's also no doubt that he has done his fair share of douchey things over the years. He started a clubhouse brawl with David Segui after he wouldn't turn down his music ("Turn that shit off Segui, I only listen to Sarah Mclaughlin before games"). Also, many say that he was the driving force behind Curt Schilling leaving Arizona for Boston. And who can forget when The Unit had a TMZ moment and whaled on a camera right before signing with the Yankees? In fairness to him though, everyone knows that there aren't any media outlets or paparazzi in New York, I'm sure it had to be a wrong place wrong time thing.
1- Roger Clemens
Ladies and Gentlemen, the king of the jerks, Roger Clemens. Where do I start? He's clearly a roid head (it'll be proven), he was just arraigned for perjury, he tried to destroy the Italian Voltron (Mike Piazza), and he supposedly brought Mindy McCready up through his adultery farm system, kicking game to her from the time she was 16. In my book, The only "Rocket" I'll acknowledge is Chet Steadman from Rookie of the Year, played by the legendary Gary Busey.