Oh, hey! No, I'm not doing anything right now. Just sitting around in a room with oddly echo-y acoustics. This is a perfect time to talk about every single one of the courses I'm thinking about taking next semester. Oh, no, that's not running water you hear. That's rain. It's raining. Yeah, it's crazy how the weather can be so different just 5 miles away. I am literally expelling waste from my bowels as I say these words and you don't know it! But, the three other people in the bathroom right now know it. After I finally cover the speaker and flush, I will emerge from the stall and avoid eye contact with that guy washing his dishes while I leave the bathroom without washing my hands.
Ugh, I hate when people leave those little globs of toothpaste in the sink. I mean, some people have to wash their Britta filter and their singular bowl and fork here. I guess I'll just leave chunks of dehydrated Cup Noodle chicken in the drain as my revenge. I think that's fitting. It's pretty amazing how hard it is to get dried Easy Mac cheese off of a fork. It might be because I'm washing it with hand soap instead of dish soap, but, hey, soap is soap, right? Yeah, I see you waiting to brush your teeth, but I'm not going to hurry up. Instead I'm going to hold this fork under the faucet for another 10 minutes before giving up and deciding to just steal a new fork from the dining hall.
HAHA, suckers! You can use the shower with the burnt out lightbulb and the constant 6 inch pool of hairy soap water or the one with a shower head that just drools on your head, but you can't use the good shower because it's all mine and I am going to straight ZONE OUT for a half hour in here. I'm not even going to vaguely lather or rinse. I'm just going to stare at that one long strand of hair on the wall until I hear you give up and get in the gross shower. Then, and only then, will I get out. Will I quickly leave the bathroom so you can switch from the gross shower to the good shower mid shampoo and experience that moment of defeat in peace? No. I'm going to go make the edges of all of the toilet paper rolls inexplicably damp. Yes. I'm the one who does that.
Goodness, it is balmy in here. I suppose I didn't need to wear a sweatshirt AND a cardigan to the bathroom, but then again, you never know. Excuse me, I'll just get into the shower stall fully clothed and carefully strip down behind the curtain and then toss my clothing out over the top, here. Uh-oh, the curtain isn't completely touching the sides of the stall. I'll just tug this here, and then a bit there. Or I'll just keep one hand holding it closed throughout this entire shower. Why can't the bathroom stall manufacturers of the world learn to measure more accurately? I hope the bathroom is empty when I'm done. I strategically schedule this shower for 5:45am, the absolute worst time to be awake. Why is someone else in here?
Whatever man, it's all natural. All of our bodies work the same way, so what's the point in hiding the biological processes behind these "locks" or "curtains" or "pants"? When I'm at home, I walk around my bathroom naked, so why shouldn't I do it here? You know? Actually, let's talk about this some more. I'm going to stand here completely naked with a towel over my shoulder and insist on carrying on a conversation with you, visibly uncomfortable person. Isn't it great that I have a towel draped on my person right now, but I refuse to arrange it so it covers anything worth covering? The human body, man. Friggin marvelous.
2am or 2pm, it doesn't matter. I will be puking in the middle bathroom stall. Did I drink too much? Do I have an eating disorder? Did I eat those things that were either fish sticks or mozzarella sticks and after eating them I still couldn't tell which they were supposed to be? Who knows! But I will be making putrid sounds throughout every one of your bathroom visits. Should you ask if I'm ok? Probably! But you won't because I'm just that gross. Long after you leave this residence hall and even after you leave college, you will always have an aversion to middle bathroom stalls. Call it a gift, from my gag reflex to yours.
Ah, ok. I'm just gonna give these hands a nice rinse off. Boy oh boy, I just really, desperately needed to wash my hands. I got up and walked the 80 feet down the hallway so I could wash my hands. Sometimes you've just got to wash your hands after you eat a giant, sloppy burrito. So that's what I'm here to do. Wash my hands. After I do that, I'll leave the bathroom and pretend to make a phone call by the water fountain until the person in the bathroom leaves and I can rush in and crap. But right now I am just all about the hand washing.