The perfect amount to shake a stick at

This tear-free shampoo works great, but I still really miss my dead parents.
-Caldwell Tanner (@caldy)
The best way to hide an erection is to stand next to someone with a bigger erection.
-Brian Murphy (@CHmurph)
Native Americans discovered America before everyone else. Does that make them the first hipsters?
-Conor McKeon
When I get on stage it's like I take on a whole new persona. It's amazing how one second I'm just a regular, "Average Joe" and the next I'm "guy getting wailed on by security for interrupting Ms. Morissette's performance."
-Alex Watt 
I saw a vagrant checking Facebook at the library the other day. It was so sad seeing him get an error message every time he clicked "home."
-Kevin Slane (@Kslane)
I Read A Book About Mongolian Literature
It was ok, I guess. It had its prose and Khans.
-Luke Bean
 
Complaint or compliment?
“You’ve turned this orgy into one giant clusterfuck.”
-Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit)
If you get home and your roommate has put a sock on the doorknob, do not go inside. It means he's not wearing a sock. Gross.
-Adam Newman (@Adam_Newman)