Acronyms

I can get on board with the usual “lol”, “rofl” and all that shit.  But when these f**kers who start making 10 digit acronyms because they’re too damn lazy to type it out, I really begin to loose my freakin mind.  Seriously though, I don’t want to feel like I’m trapped in the Divinci Code trying to decipher your stupid f**king response.  OMGITISMLSH.OC!ILTQITO…F   Oh my god I think I shit myself laughing so hard.  OH CRAP!  I left the quiche in the oven….f**k. 

 

Quit posting this “….” shit at the end of your status or response.  What am I supposed to do with this, guess if you really meant it?  Like the profound f**king statement you just made about being back at work is to be continued?  Are you second guessing yourself?  “I ate a Chic-Fil-A and it was awesome…. (uh, I think)”.   Here’s another one, you post “lol….”, what the f**k is this, man?  Is your laughing some unsolved mystery?  Should I get Scooby Doo and the stoner to investigate? 

 

Comment vs. like

I don’t have a problem with people “liking” a status, or with commenting on a status, or both.  But don’t “like” a status and then comment with “yea”.  No shit.  The “yea” is implied by your act of “liking”, you jackass.  And let’s try to keep comments on topic, nothing pisses me off more than some jackass commenting, and then adding some trivial shit to the topic.  Now I get 15 emails between a bunch of idiots discussing which Nickleback video sucks the most when my original post was about how prunes and Coors Lite give me gas. 

 

Political Views

Yea, so this one time I was in a meeting and I had to sneeze.  Instead of making a loud scene I figured I’d hold it in, which didn’t work out so well as I found out air must go somewhere, in this case a fart.  Needless to say it was kinda uncomfortable; you know the kind where you’re sitting with all your weight on one cheek thinking, “damn….I should really go check”.  Yea, so that’s how I feel when I see all this political propaganda posted everywhere.  Even if we agree on everything we don’t need it broadcasted, it simply leaves ya with a weird feeling.  This isn’t the forum for this debate, for everything you like, someone else hates it.  So why create the animosity amongst online friends, all 1318 of them (and yea, I’m sure you keep in touch with them all).          

 

Religious Beliefs

See above.

 

“Like”

We’re in the year 2010 so it’s pretty much becoming socially acceptable to say “like” in between every brain-fart you call a thought.  “Like, I was so, oh my God, like, blown away by So You Think You Can Dance”.  How-f**king-ever; if you type out “like” in your status/post then you’re a damned idiot.  How do you feel knowing YOU fuel the Al Qaeda?  Honestly, facebook needs to start putting asterisks next to certain names.  At the bottom of facebook it shall read: “An asterisked name signifies that this person is indeed a f**king moron.  Thank you, facebook staff”.

 

Fan pages

I think fan pages are great.  You don’t want to waste everyone’s “news-feed” with shit your group is doing, so make a fan page.  But, don’t invite every person you know to join your damn group if it doesn’t pertain to them.  Look, I live in Atlanta; so I really don’t give a flaming shit about your neighborhood badminton team in Hauppauge, New York.  Also, why the f**k are you playing badminton?  Ping Pong too fast paced for ya?  Just use some discretion people, and go play with your shuttlecock. 

 

Friend suggestions

Here’s another good one.  If you and I are talking about someone and I say “yea, he sure is one stupid dip-shit of a person”, and then that person joins facebook, don’t suggest I be his damn friend.  It really makes me look like an asshole when this turd posts on my wall “hey man, how’ve ya been?”, and I reply with “go f**k yourself”.  All because you just thought I’d just love to catch up with him.  By the way dickhead, you know that time I told you I don’t have a problem with you, I’m just having a bad day; I was only kidding, I can’t f**king stand you, and chances are I think you’re queer.

 

Your Kids

To all the moms and dads of facebook, I wish your child the best.  Seriously, you’re blessed to have a family and I hope your children live life to the fullest.  I hope you share great times, great laughs, and make many fond memories.  BUT, I don’t want to f**king here everything your kid did today.  What the f**k am I supposed to do with knowing that little Woggie-Bear got a boo boo while making poo poo?  Should I send a f**king get well card?  Let me explain about why social networking sites aren’t for family updates.  A few years ago this dude named Alex had a deaf wife and mom.  So one day he invented the phone.  Why?  How the f**k should I know, maybe to call his dad.  I don’t remember where I was going with that…but I guess what I’m trying to get at is: If I want to know how your kid is doing, I’ll call your ass and ask. 

 

Linking Twitter to Facebook

What the f**k!  These are two sites for a reason!  I’ve said this time and time again, you’re not that damn important that we need an hourly update to what the f**k you’re doing.  But, for the douche bags that are curious Twitter was created.  Most likely by some asshole in his early 30’s living in his mothers’ basement who publicly wears denim shorts.  And then, some asshole in his late 40’s who branched out and got an apartment plastered with HaydenPanettiere posters decided it would be a novel idea to merge a Twitter account to a facebook account.  What a jackass.  If facebook is reading this, please limit status updates to 2 per day.  This twitter to facebook shit has become the door-to-door salesman of social networking.  Leave me the f**k alone, and NO, I don’t give a shit that you just turned left into Best-Buy.  Go iFuckyourself.