Some people may question my motives for writing this article, for does the world really need more dicks? This is not to inspire people necessarily towards dickishness, but rather, to clearly define what it is to be a dick, knowing the different types, and seeing how they all affect the average person. Let me say, first and foremost, I do not advocate people being a dick without provocation–it’s solely for entertainment purposes, emotional release, and pure sweet revenge for someone who happens to be pissing you off. Though it’s generally considered to be a dick, you must be a man, but having a penis is not required, although having one can earn you the title of “double dick”. One must be aware of the many levels that encompass being a dick, because in reality, being a dick is on the lower level of antagonism. The general order of antagonism from weakest to most intense is neutral, dick, prick, asshole, douche, and shit-bag. All of which will be discussed later, but my main focus is on being a dick, which is by far the most efficient level. It’s that quiet level of antagonism that may not necessarily get you into a bar fight, but it will sure as hell piss someone off! Now I know you are eager to begin your lessons and get out there and really fire some people up, but you can’t just get a loaded gun and go shooting all over the place like a fucking idiot; you have to have targets–so its important to plan ahead, as well as play by the moment when you are looking for someone in which to tick off. There are two things to consider when you are looking for the right target: do you want it to be a stranger or someone you know? Do you want to be a dick right then and there or bring up some time from the past in which you were a dick then, perhaps set something up for a future incident. While no one will argue with the beauty of impulsive moments of dickishness, a well planned approach can also be satisfying. You may also want to ask yourself, how long are you willing to commit to the role? For a moment? A day? For as long as you can without the other person stop talking to you? Once you find a situation you are comfortable with, then you can go about determining exactly what kind of a dick you want to be, so take into consideration the following list:
Turn of Subject dick This is when you quickly change a subject that the person that is talking to you about is clearly into and has a story to tell. Based on how much of a dick you want to be would be determined with when you choose to change the subject, for maximum effect, you would want to change the subject as the story is coming to its peak or in the case of a joke, before the punch line. By robbing them proper execution of their story or point, you have thus earned yourself a right to be called a dick.
The Devils Advocate Dick All decisions we make can have positive or negative consequences, the DA dick is quick to point out the negative consequences of the decisions of those around them. Keep in mind kids, this one can get ugly real quick so be very selective about what you say, part of being a dick is keeping in between the lines and not going too far over.
Critical Dick There are many things I don’t know in this world but what I do know is that you’re not doing that shit correctly. Admittedly, this is one of my favorites and by far one of the most popular and longer running methods. This one can be fast paced and fun as
it simply involves countering anything the person says. If someone finds something funny, you find it dumb, if someone finds something good, you think its ok, if someone compliments themself, you correct them, if someone comes up with a good idea, you point out its flaws. It’s up to your discretion on how far to take it and how playful to be, but always remember, if you can’t apologize for it later, its just too harsh!
Loud Dick This is an indirect form where you more or less try to make your dickishness become a social ritual whereby others join you willingly. This can be a funny nickname or a physical gesture directed at the target. While this one can be really fun, its best to be light about the material as it is compounded by the number of people participating.
Physical Dick Without a doubt, my favorite form. The physical dick believes that actions speak louder than words. If someone has something they want to say and your music is too loud, turn it up. If someone asks you to get them a drink while you are up, you forget on purpose then don’t bother to make good on your promise. If someone tells a joke they think is funny and you stare silent, as if waiting for the punch line that came and went already.
Pointing Out the Obvious Dick There are times in life when nothing need be said and this dick is not one to adhere to that rule, in fact, it is exactly that moment in which exactly the wrong thing is said. If your friends trips and falls, you tell them, watch your step or for more effect, you can say, “man, you friggin’ fell like a rock!” There are times when this method can actually be therapeutic, say in the case of a friend who is being screwed over by a conniving bitch, you can then advise them, “for Christ fucking sake, she is using you and sucking the very life out of your soul, where the fuck did you lose your balls at and why are you not looking frantically for them!?”
Though the types of dick one can be many and varied, so many, in fact, I cannot possibly term and list them all. Part of the reason for that is new ways are constantly being created to stretch the limits of dickness. As we evolve, everything about us does too and in that course, we find the game being stepped up yet another notch. Swear words change, political references have different weight in different areas and some people are just really fucking sensitive, so its important to know your environment before embarking on the quest to be a dick. As you won’t find a house cat jumping a zebra, nor should you playing super dick to the guy with 80 make shift tattoos, who just got out of prison for attempted man-slaughter on a McDonalds worker for putting pickles on his hamburger.
Ok, so you know the essence of being a dick, the different types, knowing your environment, studying your subject, as well as the general evolution of the dick mentality, so the only thing left to cover is the range and boundaries of your actions. Everything beyond the dick level tends to be strictly negative. The next level is Prick. A prick is a dick without tact–it’s the personification of when you take a dump and realize afterwards that you have no more toilet paper. Pricks can be tolerable in small amounts, but in a general social circle they wear a hole quickly.
Next we have the asshole. The asshole will take your last soda, the last pork chop, he will screw you over, take you shit, take advantage of you, fuck your girl behind your back, talk shit to people to get them riled up. The asshole sets fires that cause a veritable shit storm of drama, both physical and mental. Put simply, the asshole is not into antagonism for the moment-they have no honor- people are just in their way and at best, for them to use. Still some room for redemption here, as the levels continue.
The douche is the next level and being a douche entails many things but the end result being, you are quickly distinguishable as someone that is instantly unlikeable–in fact, you ooze annoyance, you piss people off with your very presence and little physical nuances, and if most people could get away with it, they would beat you on sight. It’s sometimes hard to put scientific reasoning into the dislike people have for one another, but one thing is for sure, if I were to tell you, “that guy is a fucking douche”, you’d know exactly what I meant. In being a douche, you are in complete ignorance of established customs, conversational topics, word choices, mannerisms, physical gestures and fashion. At this sort of level, one is pretty much locked into the role, as it is more an imbalance of neurotransmitters than it is an attitude. Nothing, save for regular kicks in the ass and intense electro-shock therapy will have any effect.
The final level is shit-bag. Many variations apply and are commonplace, such as piece of shit, mother fucking piece of shit, or dumb ass cock sucking stupid faggoty ass mother fucking shit-bag. You are basically so infuriating that no one word will sum up how much you suck, so people will have to compound word upon word to form a mass string of insults to properly ellaborate your level of shittyness. At this level, you are likely to be denied medical care, public transportation, and you are likely to be snubbed by a wal-mart greeter upon your entrance, but chances are, when you are at this level, you really don’t give a shit what others think, as that very attitude is what has propelled you to this level of lowness. If people could be turds–you’d be diarrhea. Now that you know the different levels of antagonism, you can realize the importance of boundaries and limits. Being a dick is a delicate art and one to be treated as such. You can’t alienate your audience and you have to do it well enough that people will come back for more. In the end, everyone deserves to get a hard time–it keeps us humble, reminds us that we’re mortal, and keeps us from becoming a douche or shit bag ourselves. Being a dick is the modern way to live out the savage man’s urges. If we can all learn to be a better dick, then maybe, just maybe, the world can unite under small petty antagonism and just skip all the big shit that we wanna nuke one another over. It’s about style, it’s about grace, it’s not mumbling words and spitting on someone’s face, it’s jamming your finger in the ass of someone’s bloated sense of false entitlement and its about tempering every great moment with just a little bit of cold hard reality to cement it yet even further in our minds. So be a dick, not just for self-amusement, but for your future, for the better of man kind and all that we stand for, because we have nothing if we lose the web of conflict connecting us all. If we have nothing binding us, we’re all just running around, scratching our asses and looking for shit to eat and that is in no way living up to the glorious potential of mankind. If you think you’re above the role, just remember, it’s gonna be someone–so why not you?