Chapter 10 – Pregnancy

            If you have failed at your objective of avoiding children (here after known as parasites) by not adhering to the laws of contraception, or if your will power has been totally eroded by your wife’s biological clock (also known as nagging) then follow this guide to make your life the third ring of hell instead of the ninth.

            The first thing you must understand is that every pregnancy is different.  Your mother can give you advice, she will try to help, but understand that this may end up hurting your relationship (remember your wife usually thinks your mother hates her, and is usually right about that, see Chapter 3 Failure of In-Laws).  For YOUR relationship you must pay attention to your wife, and understand her needs.  Her needs will change depending on the stage of pregnancy she is in, known as trimesters. 

            During the first three months, known as the first trimester, your wife will start to go through some bodily/emotional changes.  She may suffer from something called “morning sickness”.  This is when she, most mornings, feels sick and may get to the point where she may vomit violently.  This is not an excuse for you to make fun of her, unless she throws up on you (that’s grounds for the Fair Game rule, see Chapter 1 Alright, Dating), during the time of her throwing up make sure to ask, “Are you ok?” “Do you need me to get you something?”  Even if she says that she is ok and doesn’t need anything, you will bring her a glass of water, you will kiss her (a kiss on her forehead or lips shows that you are supportive and care about her well being) accompanied by a hug.  The little signs of affection that you do during pregnancy will make your life more enjoyable by having your wife feel more loved and appreciated. 

            She may also suffer from sever flatulence (for you uncouth men, that means farting).  Despite the fact that the smell of said flatulence may rival the muster gas used in World War I, you will not under any circumstances overly make fun of your wife.  She will already be self-conscious about the ordeal and it is your job to make sure that she feels appreciated and loved. 

            She will also feel tired more often and begin to eat more, and you will not under any circumstances make fun of her. 

            The second trimester can get a bit strange sometimes.  This is where her strange food cravings can take over her personality (this is actually the most interesting phenomenon).  When she comes up to you asking for a cucumber/pineapple/peanut butter/canola oil salad, DO NOT wait.  Do not look at her as if she had a horn growing out of her forehead, make fun of her, or say that she is strange.  However you will run to the kitchen and you will get her what she wants.  If you do not have the ingredients do not come back to her with excuses.  You will run out and get everything that is involved in making that salad.  Yes, even if you end up throwing up as you make her the food that she wants, you will do so with a smile on your face.  However if you decide to say no and deny her the food she demands, then I suggest you get ready for the Praying Mantis Effect (after mating the female praying mantis will kill and devour the male praying mantis, See Appendix B for an illustration of what this looks like concerning you).  This will be the most fun challenge you face during pregnancy (also finding out which food she cant stand to smell is fun, until she beats you to death), but the scariest thing is when her mood swings take place.

            A woman’s mood swings during pregnancy are most likely take place in the first trimester, but may continue into the second trimester.  The mood changes that take place may often times resemble a catastrophe that can only be explained as the explosion of Chernobyl, the bombing of Nagasaki, the end of the world, and being kicked really hard in the testicles for a hundred years straight, all mixed up and served to you with a giant side of anger and hatred.  The best part though is that immediately after, which your angel of a spouse will begin to cry for a second, begging for forgiveness, and then be as pleasant as heaven itself. This cycle will repeat over and over again just as gravity will constantly pull you to the center of the Earth. There is nothing you can do to avoid this, but there are things you can do to lessen the effects of this.  First, avoid her pet-peeves.  If she wants the toilet seat down, then I suggest you screw/super glue it down. Second, do not call her crazy.  This is something she truly cannot control.  Also, you are part of the reason (in her eyes you are entirely to blame) for this. After all it takes two to create a parasite (child). Thirdly, anything she says she really doesn’t mean (well when she says she hates your mother, you can believe that), and after the mood swings die down she will realize what she said and truly apologize. 

            The third trimester will seem like an eternity of listening to nails going down a chalkboard for your wife. She will be tired, bloated, and extremely constipated.  She will need you now more then ever to be supportive.  She will feel entirely unattractive, and even if she looks like a hybrid of Rosie O’Donnell and Janet Reno, you will always compliment her.  You will always hug her, kiss her, and tell her that you love her.  Now, she will also be extremely sexually aggressive.  She will be through the whole pregnancy, but especially here.  Give into her desires for a couple of reasons: 1) She wants you 2) Aside from the obvious pleasure she will have, this will also make her feel special and loved (see Chapter 5 Side effects of Sex with Women) 3) Your ejaculate will induce labor and make the nightmare end 4) You never know when the next time you will have coitus again will be.

            After the nightmare of the trimesters are over begins the true fun, LABOR!  Labor is the stage right before delivery; this is when contractions begin (see Appendix C List of Things Men Thankfully Don’t Have to Deal With).  Excessive contractions and the woman’s water breaking signify the coming of your child.  When your wives water breaks do not make fun of her wetting her pants, instead grab the prepared suite case (see Appendix D Pregnancy Check List), grab your wife, and head to the hospital.  Now this process of contractions can take up to a couple of hours. During this time it is your job to make sure that you talk to the doctor (find out if your wife wants an epidural and if she needs anything to drink) and that your wife is made as comfortable as possible.  During this time your wife’s vagina begins to expand (dilate) in anticipation of the coming child.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT look at her vagina at any point during this process.  Doing so may actually cause you to have mental scarring and not want to have sexual relations with your wife for a prolonged period of time.  Remember a watermelon will be squeezing through a hole the size of a garden hose.

            When her vagina is fully dilated and the contractions are extremely close together, then it is time for the violent expulsion of the parasite from the woman’s body.  This is much akin to taking a cannon ball and trying to push it through the exhaust system of a car, and at the last moment adding some dynamite to the mix.  There will be blood, screaming, and tearing of skin.  However you are not to be concerned with this. Your primary concern is your wife.  You are there to hold her hand (despite the fact that she may break your hand from her vice like grip) and smile.  Will she scream? Yes. Will she say that she hates you? Yes.  Will she cry? Yes. Will she make ridiculous breathing sounds and faces? Yes.  You are not to laugh at any of this.  You are one hundred and ten percent going to empathize with your wife.  When the child finally explodes out of her body like the small bundle of blood and joy that it is, you will kiss your wife.  You will have a glass of water there for her just in case she asks for it.  Then you will take your child and present her/him to your wife, as you kiss your wife.  Then you will let her hold the child and begin taking pictures, like an Asian tourist at Disney World.  After all this your wife may want sometime to recover and to just hold your child, so your job is to go out and tell the rest of the family what the sex of the child is.  You will then hold the grandparents at bay until your wife is ready to receive them.

            This completes the chapter.  For more information see Appendix G More Tips and Hints for Surviving Parasitic Infestation (Pregnancy and until they reach 18 years of age).