As many of you know, this year has been a dismal one. Especially for hedge funds fully vested in mouthwatering charbroiled beef, snuggled strategically between two toasted buns. Unfortunately, this deliciousness has not translated into gains since the fund's inception and has created some voiced frustration. But all of us at Hamburger Capital Management, including our visionary founder, J. Wellington Wimpy, steadfastly believe in our long-term strategy of gladly paying you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
Now, before we jump into the breakdown for the year, I'd like to introduce Wimpy's longtime friend and world-renowned tap dancer, Bill "Bojangles" Robinson. He's going to lighten the mood with his fancy footwork as I read the numbers. Hit it, Bill!
Our return for the fourth quarter was -97.6%. For the fiscal year ending March 31st, our losses totaled $3.6 billion. This amount is for expired hamburgers, as well as gas money to and from hamburger providers, and includes a one-time acquisition charge of $12.39 for a 30-count box of Cost Conscious Cowboy Brand heat and serve frozen hamburgers. I should note that the 97.6% loss does incorporate Mr. Bojangles' fee to tap during this call. Isn't he great!
Upon further analysis, this write-down is comprised of 42% buns, both top and bottom, 25% ground beef, 22% cheese, 7% mayonnaise, and 4% miscellaneous, which includes ketchup and those little chopped up onion bits.
I'd like to stress that because of our traders' foresight and, mainly, the preserving properties of vinegar, we have retained the pickles from a large percentage of the 3.2 billion decaying burgers the fund has acquired. This will allow us to sell our stake in pickles if the demand in discount condiments picks up and individuals realize the value of adding a little pizzaz to an otherwise humdrum sandwich. The increase in six-foot-long party subs during the coming summer months could also signal an increase in value for our secondhand pickle portfolio, the proceeds of which will go towards buffering our cash reserves. An alternative strategy proposed by Wimpy would be to save said pickles and add them to future hamburgers which would be purchased, pickleless, at a discount. Counter parties in this deal include Fatburger, Carl's Jr., White Castle, and that place in the mall. Until this complex transaction is finalized, however, the pickles are being held in a non-interest-bearing Ziploc Stay Fresh bag in the refrigerator, directly above the Veggie Crisper and behind the jar of tomato sauce.
Another bright spot in the year-end report is our 15 tons of non-rotting assets comprised solely of hamburger packaging and to-go bags. 14 tons will be recycled and sold to Paper Maché Industries and the remaining ton of wrappers is of marginal value, since they were used to wipe excess mayonnaise off the top buns. The proceeds from this sale will go towards paying down the $6 billion of debt to our primary creditor, The Dollar Menu. All of which will come due on Tuesday.
In closing, I would like to reiterate our faith in this fund's investment strategy. All of us at Hamburger Capital believe profits are ahead, except for our departing Chief Financial Officer, our VP of Juicyness, our Head of Operations, nine of our analysts and the Executive Director of Flame Broiling. This also seems like an appropriate time to mention my resignation, as I will be launching my own fund specializing in curly fries. Again, aside from those of us departing, the rest of the team at Hamburger Capital, basically Wimpy, his new managing partner The Hamburglar and the temp I.T. guy, firmly believe in the long-term strategy.
We will now be taking questions, but please, no yelling.
Thank you, Mr. Bojangles. You can stop dancing now.