THE SCENE: A basement apartment in Atlantic City. 

 

LANDLORD: Open up!

TENANT: Just a second!  Oh, hey, what’s up?

LANDLORD: Gimme your rent, you deadbeat!

TENANT: Can I give it to you tomorrow?

LANDLORD: No! It’s due RIGHT NOW!

TENANT: Oh God! Okay, how much is it?

LANDLORD: Two bucks.

TENANT: Two bucks! I don’t have two bucks! 

LANDLORD: You piece of shit! You’re out of here! I’m evicting you!

TENANT: Can I give you something else?

LANDLORD: What do you have?

TENANT: Hold on, let me see what I have in here. I own Illinois Avenue, and the B&O Railroad.

LANDLORD:  You what?

TENANT: I'm a very wealthy property owner.

LANDLORD: You own all of Illinois Avenue but you can’t give me two bucks?

TENANT: I'm sorry! I spent too much! I buy every street I walk on! I can’t help it!

LANDLORD: Why would you rent an apartment in my basement on Baltic if you own all those houses on Illinois? Just go live there.

TENANT: I like to travel to every street in the city and stay a night on each one. Doesn’t everybody? Look, I’ll give you these two huge properties instead of the two dollars in rent.

LANDLORD: What about Marvin Gardens? Give me Marvin Gardens.

TENANT: And give you a set? Are you insane? I know you own Atlantic and Ventnor.

LANDLORD: You have no choice! You're on Baltic Avenue and you can't escape! Two dollars!

TENANT: Look, I’ll give you your money. I’ll just mortgage these properties.

LANDLORD: All right, but you’re just delaying the inevitable. Let’s talk to the banker.

TENANT: Oh, there’s the bank right here.

BANKER: Come in!

TENANT: Hi there!

LANDLORD:  Is this all the money in the bank?

BANKER: Yep, I keep it all in this little plastic tray.

LANDLORD: You don't have a vault?

BANKER: What can I do you for?

TENANT: I need to mortgage these properties to pay my rent.

BANKER: Okay!

TENANT: Don’t I need to fill out a form for a mortgage?

BANKER: Um, nope.

TENANT:  You don’t want to check my credit history?

BANKER: Huh?

LANDLORD: How did you become a banker?

BANKER: No one else wanted to do it. I hate it. Counting all these bills? It’s the worst.

TENANT: Do you make any money in banking?

BANKER: I wish. It’s the worst job in town. I make zero dollars.

LANDLORD: But if you don’t make money, how do you live?

BANKER: Every once in a while I win a beauty contest.

TENANT: I’m sorry, but you are the ugliest man I’ve ever seen.

LANDLORD: Can’t we just take all this money? No one else is here.

BANKER: No! That’s not fair! Here you go.

TENANT: Well, here’s your two bucks, Landlord.

LANDLORD: Aw shit, I was hoping you wouldn’t be able to pay, and I’d get all your land.

TENANT: Wow. You’re a real asshole.

LANDLORD: ALL OTHER LANDOWNERS WILL PERISH!!!!