Next. No. I can't help you with that. Next. My frustratingly monotone voice and complete inability to feign even the vaguest interest in your problems could rival that of an airport employee, and yet I was hired to be the person you have to deal with when you're in your most frazzled state. Next. If you leave this office satisfied with the visit, I have not done my job correctly. No, you will leave here registered for a 9am applied physics class even though you're an English major. Next. Hold on, I have to type everything with one finger. This could take a while.

No, that's a Tuesday/Thursday class. I need a Monday/Wednesday. No, don't look at anything with a Friday class. Because I want to sleep! Jeez, mom. I'm in college. Let me decide how to organize my life. No, keep looking through the course catalog with me! I can't do it alone, mommy. I haven't made a single independent decision in my whole life. That's why I'm dropping my perfectly awesome Musical History of Funk class that everyone says is the best thing ever because you went on RateMyProfessor and decided you didn't like the look of the professor's "do-rag." Fine, I'll take another class about early British literature, mother. Just please stop calling every hat a black person wears a "do-rag." Nothing. I didn't say anything.

What the f*ck is a "bursar"? Hell, I don't even know what a registrar is. I don't think these are real words! Do these words exist outside of college administrations? I don't think so. Can you please just help me find out why there is a hold on my account? Why not? Right, right. The bursar, I get it. I'm going to spend the whole day running from one mildew-scented office to another until some old lady employee finally takes pity on me and offers to figure everything out for me. Unfortunately, she won't know how to work any of the computers, so I'm not going to be able to register for classes until all of the good ones are taken. Sh*t. I'm pretty sure this is how people end up majoring in East Asian Studies.

How was I supposed to know that you had to apply for this class at the end of last semester? Oh, it says so in the course catalog in underlined bold? Still. Can't you just sign me up and then I'll figure something out with the teacher? That works for some people, right? What about screen printing? Can I take that? Awesome. No, what's an "Add/Drop form"? Oh. I don't have that. No, I don't have my academic advisor's written approval. Did I need that? You'd think from my complete incompetence that I'm a freshman, but I'm actually a junior. I just don't know anything. Do you have the forms I need here so I can fill them out without having to come back? No? Ok, what and where is the "student center"? Cool. I'll be back here 9 times in the next 2 days and then I'll forget everything before registration time next semester.

What do you mean I'm not allowed to take fewer than four classes? That History of Funk class I'm taking is suuuper hard. I've systematically signed up for only the easiest classes this college has to offer, but even that is too much for me. I'm going to beg and plead the matter until I get bored and give up. This is the most work I'll put in all semester. Please? I can't take classes that start before 1pm or overlap with any meals, including my 4pm Dunch. Ok, fine. What about screen printing? Can I take that? Ugh, it's 3 hours on Fridays? Whatever. I'll just stay in this weird Asian art class.