Last Call

                                                                               By: Carl Evans

 

  • I didn’t want to come to mocking bird this bar fucking blows. It’s just a bunch of faggy tight jean douchey hipsters. There was a crappy no name band playing when I came in but mercifully the wannabe Jack Whites were replaced by a DJ. I’m digging the 80’s beats; it’s not like wedding reception cheesy. Still it’s hard to enjoy nickel beer night with all the pretentious bearded clones in the room, I wish hipsters would just die a painful death, I’ve seen like ten guys with scarves like WTF man. Why did I even listen to Kramer, when he was all like, ‘Bro, Josh dude its fucking nick-night at Mocking Birds bro lets rock it.’ Whatever, I don’t care maybe I’ll get a hold of some hot hipster ass tonight; I just have to make sure to not mistake these long hair dudes for chicks, fucking hipster dickheads.

 

  • Josh didn’t even see me with my girls for like the first hour. I saw him as soon as he walked in with his douche bag friend Matt Kramer. When Josh and I broke up Kramer was the first asshole to respond to Josh’s status change, and he wrote congratulations, what an ass.

 

  • Nickel night at any bar in a college town is always gonna be a shit show, and the tool bags are always guaranteed to show up, but you gotta go where the bitches are. I just saw Katie, IDK how long she’s been here; I hope she’s not stalking me. Actually I saw Katie’s two pet whales she calls her besties. Kramer spotted them in the corner with Katie. I hate Katie’s two friends, fucking Becca whose Rosie O’Donnell’s love child, and Jenny the fucking Hutt. It’s bad enough when a guy has to deal with one girlfriend’s bitchy friend, but Katie was always sandwiched between two fat hateful thirsty for cock bitches. If those fat cows bothered to get to a fucking gym instead of spending all their time stuffing five guys pizza in their face while bitching about men; they wouldn’t have to torture their vibrator every night getting off to Twilight.

 

  • Josh that asshole was dancing with some big titted blond bimbo bitch, like right in front of me ugh! I always caught Josh staring at whores like that. I know it’s been 3 weeks since we broke up but still it’s fucking rude to be all over some other bitch right in front of my face. I didn’t go and get these shots because I was jealous of Josh. I did it so I wouldn’t have to look at cleavage bitch’s nasty cottage cheese ass hanging out of that piece of tape she calls a skirt. She was grinding all over Josh at one point and it really pissed me off because he is wearing those faded  jeans I bought on our 6 month anniversary because they made his butt look cute, I told him that when I gave them to him. I fucking hate ugly girls who throw out their boobs because they have no body or face. Guys are pigs, where’s my shot.

 

 

  • I get how nickel night works, they serve beer in cheap smaller plastic cups and I’m pretty sure they either water down or use the cheapest beer known to man. And you can only usually buy like five at a time, so theres all these constant refill runs. Me and Kramer just posted up at a corner of one of the bars; there was no chance of getting a table. Greeks were out in full force tonight and they dominated a shit ton of sections, but the crowd wasn’t unbearable; I’ve definitely been in a few fire traps before. I’ve got to catch up with Kramer I was dancing with this pair of epic tits, but she was a pure scaly-wag, and no ass whatsoever; it was carnie level creepy, like she just had one long back. It would have been good enough to just stare at her canyon cleavage but she had this huge ass blue vein going down her left tit, it was clearly visible in this bar lighting. She’s good and liquored up though and if I get desperate I’ll be looking for her at last call, but I can’t commit to that this early, its only fucking 10:45, time to get more midget cups.

 

  • Guys are such dicks, this pop collar frat boy ass tried to ignore my girls while buying me a shot, what a superficial retard. I bought my girls a round of tequila shots to forget about that asshole. Becca is definitely not fat she’s just thick, and Jenny…well she’s working on her weight, kinda. Its soooo not fair, Josh’s roommate Kramer has a gross beer gut but he still always brings home girls, they’re usually skanky ugly hoes. Me and Becca try to get Jenny to go to the gym with us she has a pass but she’s so sensitive and always gets bitchy when we bring it up. That’s why I liked Josh immediately when we first met at McMurrays bar, he was really nice to my friends. Even now since we broke up, he has a lab class with Becca and he’s still nice to her, not like this Brett asshole he’s such a gay frat fuck. I need another shot with my bitches to forget about that asshole.

 

  • I’m fucking drunk! I broke the seal at like fuggin twelve, big mistake that was. This fucking nickel night horse piss they’re selling as beer is passing through me like piss through tissue. I’ve had to spit the porpoise like four times already. I’ve got a chick’s bladder, ugh! Not good. The bathroom here looks like fucking Somalia; it’s not even worth aiming at the bowl. It feels so liberating letting the love hammer fire free hand. I’ve got a half stiffy from dancing with this redhead with fucking tits-ahoy. She wore these like skin tight jeans that forced a muffin top effect, but it wasn’t so bad. She was all up in my nuts though just viciously grinding away, she had like freckles but not like creepy nasty ginger scars just a few dots here n there. Redhead tits-ahoy had really big teeth though which was kind of weird, she was like a basement version of that cute red head on Myth busters. I had to stop dancing with the bitch though when I saw her arms, she had like arm hair, like no joke. It was like those red dot Indian chicks, it was a fucking deal breaker, when I felt her hairy hooves on me. Still she was way into me so at least I have a fall back audible. Kramer wants to bounce to McMurray’s but they have the same last call time as Mockingbird, if we go over there we’re starting at ground zero again. I told him we got to commit to here.

 

  • I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT GUYS, I’m just dancing with my bitches, that’s all that fucking matters I’m tipsy and all I want to do is dance to Kanye! FTW.

 

  • I gotta get my dick wet! Last call’s in hour n half, its championship rounds time now. I haven’t gotten ass since Katie and I broke up. I’ve been out five times already and had a no go every night. I defiantly miss guaranteed booty. That was eight fucking strong months I clocked in with the bitch. I wasn’t whipped or nothing but I held my shit down you know. She can’t say I didn’t take her for grub and movies n all the other B-F shit, I mean like I didn’t take her shopping or anything but like come on bro you only peel that cabbage back for like the wifey types, it’s not like Katie and I were gonna get married. She was mad cool an all not a  drama queen, not too heavy on insecurity, but you know how it goes she started ragging about how much time I spend with her around like month sixth. Of course every dude knows that when a bitch starts talking that kind a shit he should start packing, or at least prepping the bailout seat; still I gutted out month seven and eight just because I didn’t have the heart to cut it.  If Katie hadn’t fucking taken fuggin Jenny the Hutt’s side in an argument I probably would still be with her, I wish I was, cause I’ve been committing sexual abuse to my right hand since we ended, I swear to god it’s no joke, my hand is gonna file charges against me. Kramer has no idea how lonely I’ve been, I wish I had fucked Katie more while I was with her, it fucking happens every time I stick with a chick man, I love hittin that shit but after like two-four months pussy just gets boring, it wasn’t Katie’s fault…not completely. A major strike on her was when she changed how she sucked my dick. That was fucking bogus and I hate how every bitch I date pulls the same shit. When I first met Katie she slobbed my knob like it was her job, she use to get all up into it like she was eating a double scoop of cherry and vanilla. But somewhere around the third month she started saying I don’t feel like it, or would do it like she had a grudge on me, I mean what the fuck! Well fuck that shit man its fucking game time bro, I’m getting cut tonight!

 

  • Jenny’s puking in the bathroom right now, and Becca is helping her, I couldn’t stand the smell. This place is sooo lame I hate nickel night! Every asshole on campus shows up. They think just because I wanna drink means I want to have sex ugh!  Even the cute boys here are acting like cunts. That’s what josh is, a fucking cunt. He did all the nice things but he just took me for granted like I was an accessory. He would always go out with his friends and I would hear these crazy stories about the fun they would have and stuff they’s do. But when Josh and I went out it was like a program or something. It was always the same, dinner-movies-sex. Dinner-sex. Come back from classes eat, sex, watch a movie, sex go to sleep or go home. It was like I was just part of his schedule. He spent time with me when he had to but the rest of his time he would be playing games or playing basketball or I don’t know. I hated feeling like I had to give him head. He never just offered to go down on me; I always had to ask him, except on my birthday. I just saw Josh with some ugly red head with big tits; they look like they’re going to leave together, I FUCKING HATE MEN!! UGH!!!

 

  • The minute red head tits ahoy, the bitch with the Minotaur arms puked right in front of the bar it was all over. That’s a fucking divine sign from the devil. He’s letting you know you’ve got one last chance to not make an unhealthy decision. I’ve taken home some crusty scallywags on my drunkest nights, but I will never disobey that rule. It’s the one thing I wish I could impart upon all incoming classes, never go home with the puking bitch. If she yaks right in front of the place you just met the skank, you need to walk the fuck away. That’s just what me and Kramer did. Red head had a plain Jane friend who Kramer saddled up with as the trusty wing man that he is; when Minotaur tits started heaving like a cat with a hairball me and Kramer created an exit strategy and bailed on the car bombs for the nearest cab. We need food, my colon wont forgive another taco-hell run. Kramer calls for Five Guys. And I concur with a burger run. I hope to god I never see Minotaur on campus.

 

  • I lost a heel, and me and Becca have to carry Jenny to her room…yeah I know ‘carry-Jenny’. I’m going home alone tonight, it’s going to be a long shower and ice cream in bed night again…fuck my life.
    • (1) New Text.
    • From: Joshie: Awake?
    • RE: Yes.
    • Re: Hi
    • Re:   Hi wat r u doin
    • Re: NoM NoM nOm
    • Re: lol
    • Re:  lol wat u doing?
    • Re: Nom nom watchn tv dunk
    • Re: lol im dUNk as well lol
    • Re: oh lol
    • Re: ur at home
    • Re: ya, where r u
    • Re: 5 guys.
    • Re: oo I luv 5 guyz!
    • Re: yeh u do lol
    • Re: is that a joke
    • Re: jk jk lol
    • Re: kk
    • Re: saw u 2nite
    • Re: I saw u 1st
    • Re: stalker jk J
    • Re:lol
    • Re: wat ya up 2
    • Re: watchin hills
    • Re: omg lame lol
    • Re: stfu
    • Re: fuck spencer n hidi
    • Re: lmfao
    • Re: J
    • Re: is five closed?
    • Re: naw, u want sum
    • Re: oo their soo good
    • Re: yeah u like five guys n ur mouth
    • Re:  8-I
  • Re: jk jk
  • Re: r they still open
  • Re: yah I’ll get u sum
  • Re: I’m drunk I kant drive
  • Re: Im drunk and I will drv
  • Re: That’s dangerous!
  • Re: its gud fud
  • Re: wana make a deal
  • Re: ?
  • Re: u buy me 5 guyz, n I pay ur cab
  • Re: DONE ETA 15min
  • Re: Bring rubbers im out.

The End.