I’m a lazy Trick or Treater.  I always have been.  This is partially because I don’t like candy and partially because when I was a child, Halloween was a fairly kitschy affair.  This involved my mom buying plastic Kmart costumes with very little visibility and even less breathing room.  These masks were held in place by what I am fairly confident were defective rubber bands deemed unsuitable for sale and the cheapest staples ever created.

It didn’t help that in my head, I dreamed I would actually look like Batman.  Instead I looked like this.

Of course that isn’t me because as crafty as my mom is, she isn’t good enough to make me into a 1976 white kid in shitty Batman suit but you get the idea.  I had that exact same plastic bullshit suit.

I can deal with not having boots and instead white Keds sneakers or a utility belt that doesn’t hold anything.  What I couldn’t deal with was the Bat-emblem on my forehead and the words BATMAN written across my chest.

All that being said, I still passed on the Superman costume because it had a mask.

Hey dipshit, Superman doesn’t wear a mask.  Clark Kent is the real persona.  Superman is the mask.  Sheesh, I’m six and surrounded by morons.

This all ends in marching house-to-house only to have the costume tear a block away while periodically going back home and dumping my candy on the living room carpet and picking out the stuff we liked and tossing the rest into a container so my mom could give that cheap crap to other unsuspecting kids.

Enjoy your black licorice… suckers.

Even now I’m not very elaborate with my costume choices (and by that I mean downright lazy).  I once went to a Halloween party as Charlie Brown in khaki shorts and yellow shirt with the zig-zag pattern.  I have a South Park Chef costume which is literally a red shirt, an apron and a chef hat.  I supposed to paint on a beard (since apparently they know I can't grow one) but that is a little too close to blackface for my liking.  When my wife Natalee had a Halloween party I dressed as a surgeon because hospital scrubs are amazingly comfortable.  I probably would have studied harder to be a doctor if I knew how comfortable scrubs were.

I don’t like cute baby costumes.  I think I should be able to dress them as insane asylum escapees, crack whores and other tasteless things.  Let's see this kid dodge this picture when he's running for office.

Babies are cute all year round.

This is the one day I should be allowed to do completely inappropriate (but legal) things to babies and nobody can say shit.

That costume is six different kinds of awesome and the look on that baby’s face says, “Sigourney Weaver can suck it… Gorillas In The Mist my ass, this is my house!”  Babies aren’t little people to me as much as they are very cool props.  When I have a kid I am seriously strapping them to my chest and going out as mutant resistance leader Quatto from Total Recall.

My wife thinks I am kidding.  My wife is horribly mistaken.  We've had this discussion.  Halloween should be scary.  My kids want to dress up ballerinas or ladybugs, fine… but then they're going to have to be scary versions of it.

You want to be a princess?  Zombie princess.

You want to be Bob the Builder?  Zombie Bob the Builder.

But dad, Zombie Optimus Prime doesn't even make sense.

Shut up and do it.

Which brings me to costumes.  Look at this kid…

This kid can’t act for shit.  You’re Beezlebub… Prince of Darkness… Lord Satan.  You have to sell it like this kid.

He just looks diabolical like he’d offer someone a million dollars to push a button knowing someone, somewhere will die.  Then there is this kid who is just in it for the paycheck.  Like he’s just saying, “Moo… what the hell do you want from me?”

I think of how great the costumes are today with the cloth capes and padded muscles and it makes me sick I walked around in a Hefty bag.  You know you can be Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow from GI Joe?  And still there is some kid who will end up like this…

You know, you’ll have the rest of your life to deliver packages wearing shorts… you can’t indulge the Iron Man fantasy forever.  Even if your dad was a UPS delivery guy he should want his kids to want more than he did.

I always felt that Halloween was an excuse for men to dress in drag (every party has one) and women to dress as whores.  I don’t know when exactly being a Hooters waitress was a prerequisite for Halloween but it’s pretty much a standard now.

You want to know why we have a problem with people sneaking across the border… here you go.  I’d be sneaking across the border, too.  America… where ladies drink free.

This next one is one of my favorites.  I picture Barack Obama flanked by Victoria’s Secret Service crouching on the White House lawn with Marine One in the background simultaneously making it rain and delivering the State of the Union address through an Autotune filter.

I think the homophobes that fight to keep “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” are afraid this is going to be the Marine uniform… only worn by a dude with a faux hawk names Kian.  Heels and all.

Here is something I find interesting.  Taking established properties and forcing them to be something they shouldn’t be.  I’ve read a lot of comics.  Ironically, the store we went to didn’t have a male Flash costume (all three Flashes have been men) but they did have this.  I would think heels and a skirt wouldn’t be wise running at the speed of sound.

True story… when Christini Ricci did Addams Family Values when she was thirteen, they taped her over-developed breasts back to make her look younger. I guess that would be to prevent this from happening.

Then there is this Britney Spears Ghostbuster uniform.  I like that she doesn’t have a Proton Accelerator.  I am assuming she catches ghosts with her “Come Hither” smoky bedroom eyes.

And another one that leaves me puzzled… Miss Krueger… because nothing says Happy Halloween like dressing up like a sexy demonic child molester.  I like the detail of the slashes across the belly.  Not sure who would be slashing her since she has the claws.  Maybe she has trouble getting dressed.

And then there is this Alice In Wonderland.  Adorable.  Get used to that skirt..

… it ain’t gonna get any longer.