Thanks for that great round of applause, everyone. It really makes me think this past year and a half of travelling around this godforsaken district was worth it. Even though we lost, I'm so happy I got to spend millions of dollars of my own money trying to convince you stupid people to vote for me.

When I started out on this journey, I knew the road would be difficult. As a new resident of the area, I knew I would have to shake a lot of hands, answer a lot of questions and kiss a lot of babies. I didn't, however, anticipate how gnarled the hands would be, how idiotic the questions would be and how fat the babies would be. Seriously, folks. Tonight ‘s result is a relief for me because I don't have to spend the next four years representing all of you hopeless, braindead stains of the earth.

I texted my opponent earlier congratulating him on his victory. After this long campaign, I could not even pretend to care enough to call. Honestly. All I said was, “Congrats on the win. SUX 2 B U!-

If you folks want to elect that mouth-breathing hillbilly to Congress, go ahead. Even though I just flushed tons of money down the toilet, I'm still rich enough to move to another state. And, after really getting to know this area, I fully intend to do so.

From the local shop-owners to the retired war veterans, you have all been so frustratingly moronic that my faith in America has been completely shaken. Did you notice how I stopped promising to fight terrorism toward the end of the campaign? It just didn't seem like such a bad thing anymore. I could not, in good conscience, impede a process that may result in less of you smelly, vagrant live-zombies. It is the same reason why I switched from supporting universal health care to denouncing health care in general.

These election results were embarrassingly close. It makes me cringe to think that so many of you even read my name, let alone pressed a button next to it. To those of you who intended to vote for me but stayed home instead, I thank you. Not only did you contribute to my loss, but you spared the world from having to see your vomit-inducing faces.

Before I came up to the podium, somebody asked me if I was going to run again in four years. I am now giving this speech with slightly soiled pants because the simple thought of that made me briefly lose control of my bowels. There is no way I could be convinced to put myself and my family through this agonizing tour of Hell-on-Earth again. I don't know how I'm going to be able to look my children in the eye after this whole ordeal. I just hope they will block out these memories like the fog of ineptitude around this district seems to block out the sun.

To the few of you who are still here, please just go home. I don't know why you are still looking at me with those glossy eyed, slack-jawed faces. You are truly the worst of the worst. I heard many of your complaints about the economy, but I cannot believe that we have any sort of economy at all. It baffles me that you people can create any kind of value at all.

I'm going to just wrap this up so I don't have to spend another second in your presence. Good luck with your awful lives. To anyone considering running for office in this area, think of literally any other idea and then immediately start doing that. Just save yourself from this colossal cesspool of uselessness.

Thank you and God help us all.