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Last week, my dad went on about how proud he was that I was taking school seriously because I had been taking notes for four hours. Boy did he look disappointed when he realized I was taking notes on the Dungeons and Dragons handbook.
I told the school secretary that I was in an emergency situation so that they'd let me call my grandmother. I needed to make sure she got the "Ultimate Collector's Edition 4-Disc Blu-ray" of Toy Story 3 instead of the other versions.
When I was in 5th grade, my mother forced my friends and I to play outside because she was afraid we were playing videogames too much. We ended up playing Goldeneye with rocks and sticks. One of my friends broke his arm. Take that, mom.
I once sat outside of a Menards (hardware store) for 20 minutes laughing hysterically because the automatic doors sounded like the Transformers transforming noise. Then I went home, got my wife, drove back to Menards and made her listen to my discovery. She did not find it awesome or amusing.
I took front and side pictures of myself so I could more accurately model my Rock Band 3 character around myself.
I skipped two mortgage payments on my house to buy a $4,200 laptop. My credit score dropped 100 points, but I have zero lag. It's a small price to pay. I'm 30 years old and have been hiding this from my wife for a year.
When I was in 8th grade, my teachers called me The Human Dictionary. I was the kid who was reading college-level material for fun, and I'd always offer them definitions for words they didn't understand. One day, to make a point, my English teacher asked me in front of the class, "Marc, how come you've got such a large vocabulary?" I began to list off, "Final Fantasy, Age of Empires, Legend of Zelda, Resident Evil
" She was disappointed and whispered, "You're supposed to say 'reading books'."
And this week's "What's Wrong With You?" Award goes to:
Whenever I'm bored in class I like to close my eyes and press my thumbs kind of hard into my eyelids. It creates this weird image in your head that looks like you're flying through a tunnel of bright lights. Then I pretend I'm flying through the Deathstar trench in an X-wing. I can never tell if people are watching me do this. (Editors Note: Yes, of course they are)