Tis the season to buck up and be a man. To wear scraggly facial hair with the pride of a fullblown facial pompadour. It is…Movember. 

Intention Stache
This guy believes that the ingredients to growing a killer stache are redbull, concentration, and the collective will of everyone he knows. Is often compelled to start Facebook events for friends and family to witness his stunning moustache-growing prowess. 9 out of 10 of these staches result in broken blood vessels and hemorrhoids.

This is the ghost of moustache yet-to-come. Consisting of shadows and optical illusions, this barely there stache feels as soft as a lambs ear. It screams "I know binary and I'm not afraid to 01110101 01110011 01100101 it". A surefire way to meet girls is to go to raves and invite them to touch your upper lip. The good news is they'll be following you around all night. The bad news is, they'll be completely engrossed by your lip…it's so soft…Becky, you have to feel this…its like…a cloud…made of hair…cloud hair…omg.

Designed to distract women as you remove your pants, this is the grandaddy of all moustaches. To put it shortly, it looks like a caterpillar decided to make your upper lip home. You're now effectively invincible, and ready for a promising career as an eighties athlete, Freddy Mercury, or Carl Winslow. Up and attem’ soldier.

Questionable Stache
If a fine pornstache is a Shakespearean sonnet, the Questionable Stache is a lenghty description of Edward Cullen's hair. Yes, the Questionable stache comes in many shapes and sizes, and by shapes i mean generally square, and by sizes I mean pencil thin. This pencil moustache is a real attention grabber: everywhere you go, people will be notified of your whereabouts.

Migration Stache
An unusual piece of moustachery, without a doubt, but still a significant rung in the hypothetical stache ladder. Occasionally, during the colder winter months, eyebrows on a bare-lipped fellow might decide to migrate south, towards warmer weather, alcohol and food: converging in an all inclusive resort package on the upper lip. Thusly, this forms the most duderifically excellent Duster in the history of stachery. Livin the dream man. Livin the dream.

Magnum Stache
Channelling your bestest Tom Selleck, you feel as suave and sexually potent as a dinner party hosted by viagara. That is until someone asks if you've passed go and collected $200. You're left with no option but to trim it down to a safe looking Charlie Chaplin. Everyone loves Chaplin. What could go wrong? Nothing. Exactly.

Diabeetus Stache
This bristly masterpiece of moustache majesty testifies that you indeed ARE the walrus. Congratulations, you now have all the sexual appeal of a sick day watching "The Price is Right" and disgruntled cats. A small warning though: This moustache will give you diabeetus. And a speech impediment.

Hammurabi's Curse (???)
No really man, Double U, Tee, Fuck. Your face looks like a satellite image of Fangorn forest. Your epic stache has raged out of control madly consuming everything in its path, like a zombie apocalypse, or Glee. Between your ears and chin there is more hair than a kodiak bear stapled to Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. Air life Denver has been sent to locate your mouth for feeding purposes.