Oh, wait up, I've got to flip this thing right-side-out again. Sh*t, one of these little aluminum umbrella knuckles snapped off and half of the fabric is now flaccidly hanging down and dripping water into my collar. Whatever. It's fine. Thank God for roadside umbrella vendors, amiright?! They have the best deals around. $25? No thank you! It's much smarter to buy 8 $5 umbrellas a year than invest in a "sturdy" one. F*ck! The wind here is insane. Like 3mph! I feel like the rain is coming sideways up under my umbrella. Oh, no, it's just coming through the fabric. That can't be right. Yes, that's right. This umbrella has 9 holes and is made of cotton. I'll just buy another one when I hit the next vendor.

Is it vaguely overcast today? Jolly good! I have just the thing: a long-stemmed and expensive umbrella that I bought when I spent my semester abroad at Oxford. Oxford University, that is. Watch as I swing it jauntily by my side or gently lean on it in the posture of Mr. Peanut. Ho Ho! What fun! The weather forecast only says there's a 10% chance of precipitation? Pish-posh, I say. One should always be prepared for rain. If, however, there is a real chance of rain, I leave this umbrella at home. I bought it at Oxford, you know. I can't risk ruining it in the rain. 


Uh-oh, it's a wittle rainy outside. Good thing I have this adorable duck umbrella and matching rain boots. I'm probably wearing leggings as though they're real pants too! I'm the cutest and I know it. That's why it's ok that I don't apologize when I jump in a puddle and splatter you with muddy gutter water. Let's giggle! Oh, look! A really narrow sidewalk! I'm going to keep my umbrella lower than everyone else's so it trails water across everybody's shoulders and the little metal knobs at the ends poke people in the eyes. So silly. It's not my fault I'm small and adorable! It is my fault that I act like a child even though I'm actually 22.


Now, see, what you need is two layers of water resistant material so it can't flip inside-out even in 40mph winds. I grew up in Seattle or one of those other notoriously inclement locations, so I know what I'm talking about and I'm going to keep talking about it even though you clearly don't care. It's your fault for asking if you could walk under my umbrella's 6 foot expanse and boy, oh, boy are you going to regret it because I have an endless supply of meteorologic facts that I plan to share with you on this long walk. What a great way to start a friendship. That's the real reason I bought such a large umbrella. I hope that doesn't change things between us.


A sudden downpour? I have just the thing. It's a teeny, tiny umbrella that I keep on my person at all times. Hold on while I open it. I just have to unwrap this, push this, pull this, shake this, extend this, click this, and ta da! Umbrella! Always be prepared. That's my motto! Yeah, that mildew smell is coming from this. It folds up so tightly that it's impossible to ever dry, but that's ok. I own 6. 1 for every bag and jacket I own. Yes, that was my mom's idea. She's so smart. Oh, it stopped raining already. Hold on while I put this away. Actually, I'll just catch up with you later. This could take a while.


Psh, I don't need an umbrella. I have a hood. And it's hardly even raining. Ok, yeah, now it's really raining, but it wasn't before. It's fine. Umbrellas don't even keep you that dry. The bottoms of your pants still get wet and that's like 20% of your body right there. Oh God, the rain has soaked through to my underpants. No big deal. I'll just change when I go home in 5 hours. It's totally fine. I mean, if you happen to have another tiny umbre— Yeah, no, that would be weird. I'll just duck into this ATM vestibule till the rain lets up a bit. It's supposed to keep raining like this all week? …Oh, hey, buddy! That's a really cool, huge umbrella. Two layers? Wow, yes, let's talk about this for a few blocks.


I'm on the board of a lot of charitable organizations, but, yes, my real passion is in pediatric cancer research. JK! I stole this from a bucket in a restaurant. What kind of chump puts a good umbrella in there? Everyone knows those buckets are only for busted street vendor umbrellas. That old lady was totally asking for it.