1) Start the year off right by setting clear guidelines for the class to follow. Establish an obscenely strict attendance policy. Nothing says ‘supreme authority’ like threatening your students with grade deductions. This will not only ensure that they come to class every day, but it will also make them listen to your lectures. And also respect you.

2) Keep the class fun and engaging. Make jokes. As many as you can. It doesn’t matter if they’re funny or not- it’s quantity, not quality that counts.

3) When teaching poetry, read the poem aloud. Then read it again. Sometimes it takes a few reads to fully understand it. Actually, you should read it as many times as there are students in the classroom. Or minutes in the class itself. Or suicides committed during the class. Don’t let the high mortality rates get you down— they’re just really moved by the beauty of the literature. It’s fucking art. Van Gogh cut off his own ear, for god’s sake. You should feel proud you’re inspiring them.

4) Define complex terms. I know 
you know what a “prefix” is, but that doesn’t mean your students do. After all, they weren’t blessed with your highly prestigious education. Or your astronomical intelligence. You should pity them, and assign a heavy workload to help them catch up to you.

5) Call on the most long-winded girl in the class as often as you can. It’s okay that she’s unnecessarily aggressive. Who cares if she feels the need to assert her own personal opinion (which undoubtedly differs from that of the majority) at every given moment? It isn’t her fault that she’s the only history major in a class full of english majors. Part of your job is to eliminate discrimination in the classroom. Do your job.

When the student who sits behind the long-winded girl finally snaps and chucks her textbook at the back of her head, don’t stress. You don’t even have to call campus security. Conflict is good for discussion.

7) Assign both a twelve-page research paper and a final exam, both due within a week of each other. Cause that’s fair.

8) Did I mention the strict attendance policy? Who cares if half of your students came down with mono? Edgar Allan Poe didn’t abandon his studies amidst his drinking himself to death. 
That’s dedication. That’s true art. If they can’t hack it, they should switch majors. Or take vitamins.

9) Wear nothing but sweaters, khakis, and loafers. Sweaters, khakis, and loafers indicate that you’re an intellectually-gifted individual with a heart of gold. When it gets cold outside, you are permitted to wear a cardigan over your sweater, but it must be beige or charcoal. And cashmere.



This is the first comedy article I've ever written/submitted anywhere, so bear with me. Hopefully you guys think it's decent! If you think it needs visual stimulation/is good enough to warrant it, I'd be more than happy to see it paired with someone (Caldwell's?) illustrations. Thanks for reading it! Love you all.