Hi guys, it's me, the overworked and unattractive female college student. I really need to talk to you.
You guys, I can't take it anymore. Seriously, I'm imploding.
It's freakin' college, guys. It's too damn hard and I just can't handle it. How am I supposed to juggle all this work and all these responsibilities? It's just not possible. The system of higher education is killing me.
Like, homework. Dumb, stupid homework. Professors, are you serious with this stuff? How dare you assign me things that require effort outside of class. You actually expect me to write this 15 page paper in two weeks and be happy about it? No way. I'm going to sit around and complain to all my friends about how ridiculous my life is and how school isn't fair and then I'll walk around all miserable like my world is crashing down and just pity the shit out of myself until the day I finally finish the paper. And I'll obviously be wearing sweatpants, a hooded sweatshirt and a pair of Uggz throughout the entire process, as they nicely accentuate my burning desire to give up on life.
It won't end there, though. Right after I hand in the paper you better believe I'm going to tell everyone within earshot how late I stayed up writing, how much time I spent in the library, and how absurdly cruel the last 24 hours have been. You will know exactly how tremendously difficult my life and only my life has been ever since midterms started.
Ugh, midterms. Don't even get me started on these devices of modern torture. How unfair is it that professors are allowed to test us on the material we're supposed to be learning? I truly cannot fathom anything more painstaking and brutal than studying for a college midterm. It's the pinnacle of human suffering.
So once again, still dawning my sweatpants, hooded sweatshirt and Uggz, I'll be off to the library where I'll commiserate an unnecessary amount and complain about how awful my life is. If I pass you somewhere on campus and you say hi, I'm going to give you a quick elevator pitch about the state of my misery, probably ending it with something like, "I'll be in the library forever. Fun!" with the word "fun" said in a sarcastic manner so you know I actually mean "not fun."
It's like, when the professor explains what's going to be on the midterm, I always raise my hand and ask if the test can just be all multiple choice. I'll also ask if all essay questions can be excluded from the test, and then I'll finish off my childlike inquires with the gem, "We can use a cheat sheet on the test, right?" Of course, I already know we cannot, but asking every single time isn't annoying at all and it's a nice hint to professor Adolf that his concentration camp of a class is the bane of my existence.
Man, my life at 21 years old is sooooooooo hard.
Because everyone knows college is the most difficult time in a person's life. Is there anything more arduous than the college workload? Of course not.
Sure, I could stop feeling sorry for myself, understand that college is actually a 4 year vacation with responsibilities that don't hold a candle to those of post-college life, and maybe enjoy myself a little more. But that's no fun. Where would I get my pity from?
Nope, I'm going to keep making this whole process way more difficult than it needs to be. I'm going to keep that unnecessary stress coming in full force. You will feel bad for me. You will have sympathy for me. You will know just how excruciatingly laborious my life is.
So look for me on campus. I'll be the one in the library on Saturday night writing a paper that's due the following Friday.