Every year it has been a family tradition to watch the classic claymation Christmas movies and one of these films has always stood out to me and still continues to confuse me to this day.

Of course I am talking about 'Santa Clause is Coming to Town'.

So in order for me to truly understand it, and maybe to help you out as well, I am writing this article.

For those of you who haven’t seen this movie;
It was made in 1970 and stars Fred Astaire as the narrator and Mickey Rooney as Santa.
This movie is basically the Santa origin story.
A variable ‘Batman Begins’ for the big man in red.
It sounds like a great idea, but the problem comes in when the movie tries to explain every little unnecessary detail about the Kringle elf.

The movie opens on a Fred Astaire mailman who in his route to deliver mail, is stopped by voices of children.
These children represent you, the viewer.
These children are unnecessarily curious and quite unintelligent.
These disembodied voices ask mailman Astaire about the story of Santa, because logically speaking a mailman driving a snowmobile in the woods would know everything there is to know about Santa.
And surprise, he does.


The story of Santa, as told by the omniscient Mailman goes as such:

 


In Nazi Germany there is an evil tyrant who’s powers seems to only reside over a town with a population of roughly 50 people where everything is made out of shades of grey and brown.
This tyrant is the Burgermeister Meisterburger.
His goal in life is to hate toys.
He starts creating all of these laws that ban toys, so now the 4 kids that live in town aren’t happy at all.

 

Meanwhile, 30 years earlier, a baby is dropped on the doorstep of an elf family.
These elves are the Kringles and their names are Ringle, Dingle, Zingle, Tingle, and Wingle.
To keep in the tradition of rhyming names in the family, they decide to name to baby Kris.
These elves raise Kris Kringle to make toys, but no one is really sure why.
Perhaps it was to entertain themselves, since they lived alone in the woods?
Anyway, suddenly, Kris is an adult, and also a ginger.

Santa travels into a small town of what seems to be a population of only dozens, and runs into a hot blond school teacher named Jessica. She and the children are upset that they can’t have toys.
What a coincidence! Because Kris makes toys for no earthly reason! He has a stock pile of hundreds of toys that he literally just throws away because he has nowhere to put them!
Rejoice, hooray!

So Kris brings all of the 4 kids toys.
The Burg-Miester is none-too-pleased about this and takes the toys away.
And somehow breaks his leg in the process.
The next day, good ol’ Kris brings more toys.
B.Miest ain’t having any of this.
He calls for the immediate arrest and imprisonment of the tallest Kringle.
But being raised by elves, Kris can naturally Spiderman jump over all of the buildings and escape.
Side note: this is how parkour got started.

Later, while walking around the woods aimlessly, Kris is attacked by the friendliest of penguins.
The penguin jumps all over Father Noel, and he naturally names him Topper, because ‘Topper’ is a totally normal thing to call someone who jumped into your arms.
And like all penguins that are indigenous to Germany, Topper makes an odd honking noise to speak.
HONK HONK HONK!”
“What’s that you’re saying Topper?, ‘Ho Ho Ho’?”
And there you have it. In case anyone was ever wondering about why Santa uses the expression 'Ho Ho Ho', it's isn't a laugh, it's his impression of a penguin that he found in the woods of Germany.

Anyway, Santa brings more toys to the kids of this poor grey-scaled town.
MeinFuer Burgs, kicks him out, and breaks his other leg in the process, then really takes it to the next level by forcing all of the families to lock their doors at night.
BECAUSE THEY WEREN’T LOCKED ALREADY.
This is a little irrelevant, but let me ask you something, does the following sound like a good leader, or evil dictator?
“Citizens, please lock your doors at night so that the strange adult man doesn’t break in while you’re sleeping to play with your children.”

Now the doors are locked, as they should be.
How will ginger Santa ever give toys to the sad little children now?

HONK HONK HONK!”
“What’s that Topper, go down the chimney?”
HONK HONK!”
“Well, if you say so!”

The next morning B-man wakes up to a town full of 4 kids who still have toys.
Now there’s trouble in River City.
After suffering yet another injury, this time breaking his arm, MasterB kicks it up yet another notch again.
In order to keep the town safe from this strange wilderness man, he orders his guards to invade the homes of these families every night and do toy-checks.

“How will I ever give toys to these kids now?” asks ginger Santa
HONK HONK HONK!”
“What’s that, Topper? Hide them in socks above the fireplace?”
HONK HONK!”
“Well, if you say so.”

Meanwhile, Kris and the school teacher have been hooking up in the woods this whole time.
He decides to marry her, and she decides that she wants her fate to be that of Mrs. Clause.
Honey, you’re gonna get fat.
Their secret wedding in the woods is administered by the Winter Warlock.
HONK HONK!”
What’s that, Topper? I forgot to mention the Winter Warlock?!

Well, the Winter Warlock is an even creepy old man that also lives in the woods.
He does some pretty evil things earlier in the movie, but Santa gives him a toy train, and suddenly Winter Warlock is totally a good guy now.
You know he is a good guy because his ugly face melts off, and underneath is a slightly less-ugly face.
And to prove his new-found good nature, Winter gives some random reindeer magic corn. AND NOW THEY CAN FLY!
Then Santa teaches the old man how to walk.
And as we all know, Winter Warlocks can only be taught how to walk through song.
CUE MUSIC!

To clarify, Winter didn’t know how to walk because he only teleported from place to place, like Warlocks do.
In return for learning to walk, the Warlock shows Kris that if you make a snowball, you can see kids as they sleep at night.

Now back to the story, Santa is married and his new wife Jessica is already getting fatter.
She convinces him to grow a beard.
“Frank Astaire mailman, why does Santa have a beard?” ask the voices of ghost children.
“Well, kids, Santa had to grow a beard because he couldn’t look like the wanted posters of him that the BM put up all around town.”


Santa and the ever-expanding Jessica decide that they should move North.
They walk all the way to the North Pole, which is pretty much right next to this small German town.
They decide to live in a castle, but instead of building it, they imagine it into place.

Now Santa and is overweight wife will live happily ever after.

The End.

 


HONK HONK HONK!”
What’s that topper?
HONK HONK!”
No, that really is the ending.
HONK HONK?”
Yes, Santa really was a creeper who lived in the woods in Germany, knew Parkour, talked to penguins, and broke into houses at night to give sad grey children toys, and broke almost every bone in the BM’s body while doing so.
The Bergermeister Meisterberger deserved it because he was grumpy and probably a Nazi.


Now, this movie was intended to answer questions about this mysterious bearded man, but instead of answering those questions, they really just left me and thousands of other children with even more questions.

Why was Santa a ginger?
Why can he jump like Spiderman?
Why did the Warlock carry corn in his pockets?
If we never actually see the children speaking to Fred Astaire, are we supposed to assume that he was talking to no one, and is just a crazy schizophrenic mailman?
What was a penguin doing in Germany?

 

 

After looking at this movie a little closer, I had a sudden epiphany.

The entire movie is told through the eyes of the Fred Astaire MailMan. He spends all day talking to random woodland creatures that scurry by and voices that may or may not actually exist.

This Fred Astaire MailMan is either telling the truth, a bold face liar, or straight up insane. This could explain all of the contradictions, plot holes, and simply nonsensical background of Santa Clause.

I implore you to watch this film again, look closer, and decide for yourself who this mail carrier really is.

 

 

 

 

Merry Christmas!