My roomate and I received a polite complaint letter from the people that live below us in our apartment building.  I decided to write them a "polite" letter back on behalf of my roomate.  Here is the letter that got sent…

Dear Arrogant Assholes,

 First off I want to pray that you are not in the business school.  This is by no means, under any circumstances, the way to handle any problem you may have.  Judging by your poor grammatical skills I am going to go ahead and guess that you are all striving to be future nurses and doctors of America.  I am going with this assumption based strictly on your poor writing and guessing that you are not the brightest girls out there, but work hard and unfortunately will be aiding the ill in the near future.  This is pathetic.  Furthermore, and I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but I am pretty sure that you delivered this “letter” to the wrong tenants.  However, I will continue to write this as if you sent it to us, which could still be the case. 

 My roommate left approximately a month ago due to minor brain damage from a fall he took.  If he wasn’t rushed immediately to the hospital he could have lost his life, but thankfully, after spending days at UPMC, he starting making progress and only had to take off this semester.  How do you feel about yourselves now?  On this note, I highly doubt that much noise, if any at all, has been coming from this complex.  I am almost never here, and unless a hippo magically appears in the apartment, I don’t know where these noises are coming from.  Yes, my roommate is known for yelling at his x-box, but considering this came a few days ago, and he has been gone for a month, I have no clue where these thoughts came from.  Maybe your too busy fantasizing about what we do up here, that you starting hearing delusions from the past and still thought everything was going on.

 On another note, could you please specify the “gay” music that is played in my room?  I play pretty good music and it almost is never loud anymore, as stated already, because I am not here much and haven’t even been having any pregames.  If you’re looking for some Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber music, you can go to Pegasus Bar, which I’m sure you know all about. 

 As for your “making out” comments, where I am from making out is the same as hooking up, but I can assure you that none of this talk has even came from my apartment.  But I will tell you this, that if any of you ever came up here, I would have to put a brown bag over your heads before considering making any moves on you, and yes this is after a long night of drinking. 

 All in all, you should really consider all of the facts and know that you are going after the right people before accusing them of all of this nonsense.  Luckily, I enjoy writing and have no problem constructing a response letter to your bogus.  You scums are the ones that need to go get a life and stop worrying about what other people say and do.  The only sucking that anyone is doing, is you guys going down on a different yinzer each and every night.  Enjoy your life and if you have any problem why don’t you come and be a man about it and say it to my face. 

 

Sorry for partying,

Dan
Floor 4