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I was dating a girl in high school who only lived a block away from my house. She snuck in through my bedroom window on a school night around 11 one night. By the time we were both half naked and I had put the Valentines Day gift handcuffs on her, my mother busted in my room. A week or so later my parents bought an alarm system.


A few months ago, my now ex girlfriend and I were in her room hooking up. We thought her mom and younger sister had left, so she started moaning and such. A few minutes later we heard footsteps on the wood floor leading up to her room. Her sister walked in and was asking what the noises were. The next five minutes were spent explaining how being tickled makes those sounds. She will figure it out eventually.


So my freshman year of college I was dating this girl I met at a party. We started dating pretty seriously and did it all the time. Like rabbits. One night after a party we went back to her dorm room and started having one of those all night sex sessions. The beds we used were pretty crappy and squeaked a lot but we didn't care. At like two in the morning we heard a knock at the door. I get up and answer the door to find a can of WD-4.


My friend told me that my girlfriend's birth control made her ass bigger (which is a compliment amongst guys). Later, I told my girlfriend what he said and she flipped out on me for "calling her fat."


I used to work at this bar near campus and it was a common occurrence to pick up a girl while working or just on a night out there and take her to the back closet and hook up with her. Well it was a night out for me and a girl that I recognized from the nights I worked was there also so I started talking to her for a while and I quickly realized that this is a girl I can take to the back. So I just grab her hand and take her to the back. The first obstacle is the 50 year old dj is in there freaking out an 18 year old so I tell him to get out. Embarrassed, he leaves quickly. This girl and I go in the closet and start hooking up. Eventually I get consent to have sex with her but standing up in a closet is an awkward position when you are drunk. After a minute or so I can't get the right rhythm going so I ask her to bend over to make things go easier. No lie, this girl looks straight at me and says, "but I don't want to seem like a slut"…as if having sex with someone you barely know in the back of a bar isn't slutty enough.


Once I got into this big talk with my girlfriend about how awesome Woody Allen is. We started watching one of his movies when I found out she thought we were talking about the guy from Home Improvement, Tim Allen, the whole time.