We've heard about the fact that "men are from Mars" and "women are from Venus," which is really senseless bullshit from some guy who got his doctorate from a diploma mill. But the broader point that messages like this try to convey is that men and women are different, which is about as refreshing and informative as saying that guys like to leave the toilet seat up, and women like Lifetime movies with Judith Light. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.

But even though most of us- men and women alike- realize that there are things about both our bodies and our minds that make us different, we tend to ignore these differences time and again in practice. It's sort of like having a set of standards for intelligence and demanding it of intellectually handicapped kids. Try as we might we can't force them to think better or differently if it's all they've got. So it is with men (which I know better about because I am one myself.) Guys just have certain things they like and which they do (as much as possible) and which is nearly impossible to make them not do unless they aren't really guys. The biggest one thing all guys have in common is they like sex, and lots of it.

Now I know what you ladies out there are probably thinking: Yeah, we all know guys are horny turds but they can still use their head up top and not that one down below if they really wanted to. It's mind over matter, or in this case, mind over dick.

The problem with that is, women have never actually been in men's shoes to actually understand what we are experiencing. No more so, of course, than guys understanding why romantic comedies are in any sense worth watching (the typical guy, in fact, cannot even comprehend how the word romance can be placed adjacent to comedy, which, if anything, it is the opposite of because it deals with feelings and all that heavy and boring stuff, which is not funny at all). So while I will not comment on all the idiosyncracies (or idiocies, with apologies) that women engage in, I will remark that unless women have actually lived the life of a guy even for just 24 hours, they have no right or ability to understand men. That's just the way things are. It's not that we do it on purpose to annoy you women.

So as far as sex is concerned, guys really have to get laid or get off, as much as their work or school time permits. Guys "troll" sex sites not because they have all colluded in some form of mass Internet-wide joint conspiracy to fuck over women and smooth talk them into fucking their sorry asses. No. They go to fishin' for porn because their balls are starting to dry up and that cleavage that the voluptuous, always under-dressed coworker was showing today at work got you just horny enough to put down that boring accounting report or legal brief to resume trolling for porn and chicks like a rabid dog to water. We're basically slaves to our balls. And sure, we would love to say we want to be productive and to do nothing but please women emotionally and spiritually or whatever else women want. We aren't bad people. But when you feel that certain urge, your higher brain functions take a back seat to the salivating overeagerness to find something-anything- to get off on.

And by the way, I have to add something here: we guys tell you women that you are gorgeous even when we do not think that is even remotely true because this appeals to your innate narcissism. You see, women love being put on a pedestal, even the ones who always deny it. There is no reason in the world why a crystal of heat-and-pressure-compressed carbon/graphite, also known as a diamond, should have anything to do with how meaningful or productive a relationship between a man and a woman should or will be, other than the fact that it satisfies a woman's desire for self-indulgence and materialism. Don't even deny it. So men have adapted to a woman's innate narcissism by giving her exactly what she wants. We tell you how lovely your hair and nails look, how sexy you are in that way-too-tiny for your size lingerie, that you don't look fat in those jeans causing you to have a muffin top tummy lard spillover, and that you are so interesting to talk to on a Platonic level, because if we had honestly admitted that we just want to talk to you long enough to lull you into giving us head we'd give up our ruse, and probably get hit upside the head while we're at it.

So men are dogs, yes, but just from the perspective of women. Yet how else would women really want it to be? Would women, instead, want a very sensitive, caring, always honest man to have around all day? I guess it sounds great in theory, but there are two things fundamentally wrong with this. First, there is no such man, except that gay man you are friends with who looks really hot and is seemingly perfect as a boyfriend except the fact that he is really gay and all he really wants to have is a cock to suck on like a lollipop. Second, you don't really want to have us as sensitive tear-gushers because you eventually realize that that's the equivalent of living with a drama queen (i.e. yourself). Women say they want a sensitive man, but they really want a jerk-off (literally) who knows how to pretend he is sensitive (i.e. he can listen to you and satisfy your narcissistic and materialistic wants), while he plans how to grope you just when the alcohol and/or date rape drug sets in.

And there's the reason why men are so seemingly contradictory: we give women what they want by lying to them ("you are so pretty," "you are the hottest woman I have ever seen," "you are amazing to be with") because that's what they want to hear, but we are horny turds in reality because women really couldn't stand a man being anything but a typical over-sexual, pussy-hungry dog. What women really need to get is that while we may all be liars, we are really doing this to please you. So we're actually not as bad as we seem, even if we're also doing it to get off. You really wouldn't want it, nor accept it, any other way. So get off our cases and play along, even if you know we're really doing it to get into your panties.